Page 82 of Chaos Theory
I sit down heavily. Kobi bows slightly in Sandra’s direction. ‘Sandra Smith, thank you for assigning me such a challenging and fascinating topic to research. My method involved observing staff behaviour and cross-referencing it against all HR policy and compliance documents, including “Dignity and Respect in the Workplace”, “IT and Email Codes of Conduct”—’
‘You don’t have to read out the names of all the documents,’ interrupts JP. ‘Can we cut to the chase, please?’
‘Certainly,’ says Kobi. ‘I will skip to the results section. The following people have been found to be in violation of HR codes of conduct and/or compliance and/or HR principles. Maeve McGettigan. Shane Fitzgerald. Imelda Lopez. Julia Monye. David O’Dwyer. Jennifer Mason. Duncan Canning?—’
Each person reacts to their name in a different way, but with equal amounts of consternation.
‘Whoa there!’ I jump up again. ‘Kobi, what are you doing?’
‘I am not finished,’ he says. ‘Sandra Smith.’
‘Eh, eh, hang on now!’ says Sandra. She also rises from her seat.
‘JP Horgan,’ he says.
‘Now, that’s quite enough!’ says JP.
‘Wait, wait!’ calls Shane, next to me in the first row. ‘Kobi – is everybody in the whole company on the list?’
‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘An astute guess.’
Shane laughs. Other people start to laugh. Soon everyone is laughing along.
‘Kobi.’ I strain my voice to be heard above the din. ‘How hilarious of you to play this prank on us!’ I decide to lean into it. I turnto address the room. ‘Look how far he’s come – playing jokes like the best of them!’
People applaud, much to my relief. I sit back down.
Then he says, ‘I have a special surprise for you all.’ He turns his head towards me and rotates it sideways, gives me a kind of awkward nod. I believe he’s trying to deliver some kind of secret signal, the robot equivalent of a wink.
‘It’s not another report, is it?’ Dave calls from the back of the room, to more laughter.
‘How well you know me, David,’ says Kobi. ‘Yes, indeed, it is another report. I predict it will be of great interest.’
‘I’m afraid to ask what it’s about!’ says Dave. The laughter continues.
‘Productivity,’ comes the answer.
The laughter stops abruptly.
I turn to Shane and quietly say, ‘I give up.’
I slump in my seat. If he wasn’t already leaving, Kobi would probably be fired after this. So what difference does it make?
‘I have been running a productivity analysis of all staff since the day of our first team meeting.’
He starts to roll slowly back and forth as he talks. It looks to all intents and purposes like he’s enjoying himself very much.
‘I never asked you to do that, Kobi,’ says Sandra. She looks around the room. ‘I swear – I didn’t.’
‘That is correct,’ Kobi agrees. ‘Credit for the report’s existence should be given to Maeve.’
I close my eyes and groan, push my fingers into my hair.Why must he take me down with him?I feel Shane’s hand on my back, like he’s trying to shield me from the tutting and other sounds of disapproval from around the room.
‘I will quickly share my conclusions with you,’ continues Kobi. ‘You will forgive me if I gloss over the details of who is most and least productive and at what times and on which days of the week. Instead, I wish to present to you an innovative analytic technique,whereby I cross-referenced productivity with staff morale, such as I could detect it.’
I open my eyes to see Kobi’s chest panel light up. Some kind of data analysis animation. Multicoloured graphs dance across the screen. From what I can gather, the days of the week are highlighted in different colours. Morale seems to be represented by a series of pulsating love-heart icons.
‘I hope everyone can clearly see the implications of this analysis and come to the same conclusion that my advanced algorithmic systems allowed me to make. Morale and productivity are so closely correlated that one may reasonably conjecture a causative relationship.’
