Page 30 of When You Least Expect It
Honestly, I wanted to take the stepladder and jam it into his throat, but I didn’t feel like going to jail today.Yeah, he was on my property, and I could always claim self-defense, but my security system would rat me out on that one.Normally, I was thankful to be able to afford security for my home, but today wasn’t one of those days.
“All that because I choose to handle this myself?”I questioned.“Instead of asking me if I view strong men as a threat, maybe I should ask you if you view strong women as a threat.”
“I don’t viewanywoman as a threat,” he replied firmly, and if he wasn’t careful, he was going to get struck by lightning for telling lies like that.
“It doesn’t sound that way to me,” I told him cheekily.“I mean, why else would you concern yourself with what I’m doing here?”
“I’m simply trying to be a decent human being,” he lied.“I saw you pull out the stepladder, and I was immediately concerned that you may injure yourself.”
“Well, as you can see, I’m going to remove a hornets’ nest, and since you’re not properly clothed for such an undertaking, I suggest that you go back to Louise’s,” I told him.“I mean, what if you’re allergic and go into anaphylactic shock?I’d hate to have that on my conscience.”
“Luckily for you, apart from an unpleasant sting, I am not allergic to these things, so I am more than able to assist you, Calista,” he replied, refusing to take a hint.
“Mr.Patton, while I’m sure that your intentions are genuine, I’ve got this,” I told him, just about ready to quit being polite.“I’m sure that Louise can use your help for whatever reason that you were at her house in the first place.”
“We were just preparing for tonight’s meeting, is all,” he said evenly, and he really was a strange bird.“You know, which scriptures to choose from...things like that.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want to keep you from the rest of your day,” I lied.“So...thank you for your concern, but I got it from here.”
“Calista, if I may be so bold,” he said, and it was looking as if I was going to have to get rude after all.“I think you should rethink your relationship with your boyfriend.I feel as if his refusal to see the bigger picture is holding you back from everything that you can achieve in your spiritual journey.”
“I’m not on a spiritual journey,” I told him.“I’m just living my life as I see fit, and that’s good enough for me.”
“But you could be so much more,” he pressed.
“More than happy?”I challenged.“More than satisfied?Honestly, Mr.Patton, what you’re describing sounds a lot like gluttony...you know, never being content with what you already have.”
“There’s no such thing as spiritual gluttony, Calista,” he bullshitted.“The more that we absorb, the closer that we become to God.”
“See, and I don’t buy that,” I finally told him.“I don’t think that we’re supposed to be anywhere near close to God.We’re human, and being human comes with making mistakes in life, and because God is infallible, we’ll never come anywhere near being close to Him.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he argued.“It’s a feeling, Calista.It’s a sense of peace within yourself, not a literal sense of being close to Him.”
Not willing to go round and round with this lunatic on a Saturday morning, I said, “Look, I’ve been trying to be kind and respectful of your beliefs, but I’ve got to be honest with you, Mr.Patton-”
“Call me Jury,” he said, interrupting me.
“I’d rather not,” I told him honestly.“Anyway, while I’ve been trying to be respectful of your beliefs, you’re not being respectful of mine, and I think that concludes our association with one another.”
“Calista-”
I threw my hand up to stop him, something that probably had him gritting his teeth.“If you want to know the absolute truth, I think that your little prayer group is a sex cult in disguise.”
His eyes widened, probably not used to being called out.“Excuse me?”
“I think that it’s a sex cult, and that you have Louise collecting blondes for you like some...some military recruiter that gets bonuses for a certain quota of signups,” I said, looking him in the eye.“I think that whole kneeling thing is just material for your mental spank bank, and I think that you’re rather vile for preying on people’s need to believe in something bigger and better than themselves.”
“You are wrong,” he lied.“But even if you weren’t, there are plenty of stories about multiple wives sprinkled throughout The Bible, Calista.”
“There’s a difference between having multiplewivesand creating a harem, Mr.Patton,” I replied, my attitude shining through.“So, in this day and age, you are what we call a predator, and if I had any proof that you were preying on unsuspecting females, I’d report you to the FBI.”
Taking my threat as a joke, he said, “Because you believe that the FBI would take your word over mine?”
“You know what-”
“What’s going on here?”
We both turned to see Myer walking across my yard-on the grass and everything-making his way towards where we were standing, and the man didn’t look happy, but that was okay since I wasn’t too happy my-damn-self.
