Page 17 of Gunner
Chapter 8
Sadie
Spring 2008
Kade and I had beentogether for almost a year, and he was still so patient with me. We tried a few times to be intimate, but there was always a block from me that halted things before they really got started. Kade insisted it was okay and that he was okay to wait as long as I needed, but after attending a few parties at the clubhouse, I realized everything he was giving up by being with me.
Some nights he stayed with me at the house, and some nights I stayed with him at the compound, but it was important that I keep Jacob’s life as normal as possible. I still worried that social services would try and take him away from me, so I made sure to keep his exposure to the MC at a minimum, and mostly during the day when it was quieter.
I hired a babysitter for Jacob on the nights I attended the club parties and made sure I was home before it got too late. Kade loved being around the brothers, but the things that went on weren’t acceptable for an eight-year-old to see. So, there were events I didn’t attend that he did. Those were the nights I lay awake in bed, wondering if being with me was a mistake for him.
I worried I didn’t fit into the MC lifestyle and that it would drive a wedge between Kade and me eventually. The club sluts were open with their sexuality, and more than a few times, I have seen a bare assed Death Hounds fucking one of them out in the open. I still struggled a lot from my attack, and seeing how open the women were with themselves, I knew I needed to try harder if I wanted to keep him.
He spoke about me becoming his old lady, but I still wasn’t wearing a cut proclaiming me as his. I saw the old ladies walking around with their old man’s colors on their back and I longed for that. Someone to say I was theirs and they were mine. I didn’t doubt his love for me, but I secretly wondered why he hadn’t given me the official title yet.
Kade was out on a club ride, and I was at the clubhouse, helping the old ladies cook for the barbeque. There were a few of the brothers’ girlfriends, and the random ladies who showed up for parties setting up the bar with bottles of liquor and tubs of ice-cold beer for when the brothers returned. I was helping peel the corn while my cupcakes baked in the oven, and I looked over at Piper and Lilly, Bullet’s old lady, as they worked on the potato salad and other sides. They were so confident in themselves, and I tugged down the hem of my shorts, trying to cover my legs with the short material.
“Stop fussing. You look beautiful. I wish I had your legs,” Piper said as I brought the pot of corn to the stove.
I placed the pot on to boil and leaned against the counter. “Can I ask you a question?”
Both Piper and Lilly turned to me, and I glanced down at my feet before speaking. I was embarrassed, but these two women had always been there for me, so I pushed past my lack of knowledge and spoke quietly.
“I want to seduce Kade tonight, but I . . . I don’t know how.”
I picked at my fingernails and looked up to find Piper standing in front of me with a soft smile on her face. She looked over her shoulder at Lilly, who nodded, and she linked her arm with mine and tugged me away from the stove.
We walked to the large farm table in the dining room, and I sat down next to her as Lilly brought in coffee and joined us at the end of the table. She poured us each a cup of coffee and held her cup between her palms before leaning back.
“Have you talked to him about this?” Lilly asked softly, and I shook my head.
“He knows I struggle with . . . that, and he said it’s not a big deal. But I know that it is, and I want to do this,” I admitted.
“Have you been able to do anything with him?” Piper asked, leaning closer as I smiled.
I bit my lip, and the two older women waited with big smiles as I thought of the things I was able to do with him. I swallowed thickly and replied, “We’ve been able to do a lot but not the actual act. I freeze up, and he stops everything. I want to get past that, but I’m not sure how.”
“I’m going to say this again, Sadie. You need to tell him what happened. No one, especially him, will think any different about you. You survived. You’re thriving. Don’t let what happened dictate your happiness,” Piper urged, and I exhaled deeply.
“What if I can’t ever . . . with him.”
