Page 23 of Gunner
The unopened letterfrom Kade was tucked safely in my purse, and for the millionth time, I lifted it out and ran my fingers over my name on the front. He had been gone for over a year, and during that time, I finished my business degree and found a full-time job at a local bakery in Portstill. The downtown area was revitalizing, and customers lined up for my cupcakes every day.
ButterDreams was an actual dream come true. The owner, Mrs. Floyd, was getting up in age, and when I saw she was looking to hire another baker, I immediately applied. She hired me the moment she bit into the double chocolate, salted caramel cupcake with fudge icing I brought to impress her. Less than two months later, she promoted me to manager, gave me a substantial raise, and basically let me run the shop.
I woke up at four every morning and carried a sleeping Jacob to my newer used car for the short drive to the bakery. Mrs. Floyd had a small bedroom set up for when her now-adult grandkids used to visit, so Jacob was able to sleep while I worked. He loved being at the bakery and used his little charms to get pastries for breakfast every morning.
Our life was boring, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was off work by the time he got out of school, so I could spend evenings helping him with his homework and making sure he was eating a healthy dinner. We attended a few Sunday afternoon barbeques at the compound with Dalton, but for the most part, we stayed away from the Death Hounds.
Being at the compound reminded me of Kade’s actions and his sudden disappearance. I could open the letter and know where he went, but Bullet told me that when I opened the letter, I needed to be ready to deal with what happened. Until then, I kept it sealed in my purse. Jacob and I fell into a comfortable routine, but when I was alone in bed at night, I would think of Kade’s letter, and the loneliness grew.
There were a few men who frequented the bakery that asked me out, and I finally felt ready to have coffee with a quiet accountant named Joshua. He wore glasses, and I’d never seen him without a suit, he wasn’t much taller than me, and he seemed nice. I agreed to meet him at the coffee shop down the street from the bakery after I got off on Saturday. Uncle Mick took Jacob fishing this morning, so I had a few hours before I needed to be home.
Meeting Joshua at a place where I knew people gave me a sense of peace that I was safe. As I checked my dress in the mirror at the bakery one more time, I exhaled the nervous tension running through me. It was just coffee, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong, even though I felt like I was cheating on Kade by agreeing to the date. I shook my head in anger, remembering his actions, and turned away from the mirror.
“You look beautiful,” Racheal, the weekend counter clerk, said, and I smiled at her.
“I’m a little nervous. You don’t think I’m overdressed?” I asked, turning back to the mirror and running my hands down the light blue material.
The dress fit my bust and flared out at the waist, stopping just above my knee. The sleeves were fitted to my elbows, and I had on a simple pair of ballet flats with a little more makeup than I usually wore. None of my scars showed with the dress, and if I could finally get the nerve up, Needles, the MC ink-slinger, offered to help cover them with something beautiful.
“I think Joshua is going to be smiling ear to ear,” she reasoned, and I silently hoped so.
I needed to move past Kade and find someone more settled. I thought the MC life was where I was meant to be, but after a year of distance, I realized I wasn’t cut out for it. I picked up my purse from under the counter and turned to Racheal. “Make sure you set the alarm before you lock up, and don’t forget the two bags of trash at the end of the day.”
“I know. Stop worrying and go have fun,” she encouraged, and I stepped into the warm summer day.
The awnings of the businesses lining Main Street provided much needed shade from the scorching sun as I walked the two blocks to the coffee shop. We worked with them on catering and each business offered products from the other. We served their coffee, and they served our pastries. It was a win-win for both of us and ensured you didn’t enjoy one without the other.
The door to the coffee shop jingled when I opened it, and the cool air and heavenly coffee aroma bombarded me as I walked inside. Looking around, I didn’t see Joshua, and I found a seat near the side window and waited. One of the baristas walked up with a smile and asked, “Is today your date?”
I nodded with a chuckle, and she looked over her shoulder before leaning in. “I’m so happy for you.”
My nervous reservation and wounded heart were evident to anyone who knew me, and I wanted to be brave. I wanted to know that not all men were opportunistic assholes that took without remorse and hurt without regret.
She took my order with a smile, and I checked my phone to see if I missed a call or text from Joshua. Not seeing anything, I sat alone and waited. I finished the small coffee and scone I ordered, and from the clock on the back wall, he was more than forty-five minutes late. Disappointment filled me, and I wouldn’t let anyone see me upset, so I tossed a twenty onto the table and silently slipped out the front door. I was embarrassed and kept asking myself what was so wrong with me that men cheated and stood me up, when I heard a motorcycle turn onto the street behind me.
I didn’t want to turn and see who it was, so I lifted my head and kept walking back to the bakery. Hopefully, they would drive by, and I wouldn’t have to be reminded of Kade when I was dealing with Joshua’s fresh rejection. The brothers were always nice to me, but I could see the pity in their eyes, so I avoided them if I could.
I felt sorry enough for myself that I didn’t need the reminder from them.
My car was parked around the back of the bakery, and I wanted to leave before I had to explain that another man found me less than desirable, so I slipped past the window and ducked into the alleyway beside the building. The back door was propped open, and I kept my eyes on the door as I walked up to my car.
I opened the door to my newer used car and sighed deeply before I cranked the car and pulled away from the bakery. I was off until Monday morning, and since Jacob was out with Uncle Mick for another few hours, I didn’t want to go straight home. Solitude wasn’t something I was good at, having raised two brothers for most of my life, and when it was quiet was when I thought about Kade the most.
Turning my car east, I pulled away from Portstill and headed toward the cute little lake town of Pierce Bluff, an hour away. Jacob and I spent time at the lake when we had an entire day free, and the peacefulness of the lake was inviting. During the drive, I sang aloud to the random top forty songs playing and tried not to think about the sting of rejection.
I could get lost in my head, analyzing why men were the way they were, but in reality, people sucked. I learned that the hard way when I was dragged into that shitty house and repeatedly robbed of my innocence. When Kade left, Piper suggested I talk to someone, and I relented, agreeing to see a counselor. I had to learn to be strong for myself, and the freedom counseling instilled in me had me looking over my shoulder less and smiling more.
After months of therapy, I was more comfortable speaking of my attack without shame. If nothing else came of my time with Kade, I could at least be strong enough now to admit what happened when I was ready to be with someone again. I didn’t think Joshua was the forever love I longed for, but I didn’t think he was the kind of guy to stand a woman up without a phone call either. With Jacob getting older, I needed to think about what I wanted for my future, knowing one day, he would leave home like Dalton did, and I would be alone.
Having raised kids since I was a teenager, I didn’t have the normal desire to have children of my own. That was a secret I didn’t tell anyone, but when I told my counselor, Ann, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I had been responsible for another person’s life when I was barely old enough to be responsible for mine, so I didn’t want to raise another child. It was selfish, I always thought, but Ann explained that I deserved to have the future I wanted, not what society deemed acceptable.
If kids weren’t in my future, I had to figure out what was. That pushed me into finishing my degree, even if I didn’t need it to run the bakery. It was something I did just for myself, and when I graduated, Dalton and Jacob cheered louder and longer than anyone in attendance. I wanted to be a role model for them and to show them that with hard work, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Dalton was spending more time with his head buried in the laptop Mr. Callahan gave him. Seeing him excelling in something he could build a future with gave me hope that my hard work paid off. I know he skirts the edge of legality, but I was proud of him nonetheless. I was positive that plenty of the MC’s money came from illegal activities, and as long as my brother stayed safe, I couldn’t, nor wouldn’t, judge them. They did more good than harm, in my opinion, and they had always been family.
I pulled my car into the small parking lot at Pierce Lake after the peaceful drive and slid my purse across my shoulder before setting off on the walking path wrapping around the lake. The Pierce family homes were visible across the lake without actually being able to see any details of the opulence, and I found a bench under a shade tree near the water’s edge. I imagined what life would be like if I had the kind of money that they did.
I imagined Dalton coming home for the holidays from college with his girlfriend, and Jacob happily playing with whatever toys his heart desired as our parents filled the house with love. I scoffed at the delusion and took a swallow from the bottle of water in my hand. Our lives were never a fairy tale and imagining one wasn’t healthy. I accepted my responsibilities for my brothers when my mother checked out just after my twelfth birthday.
