Page 24 of Gunner
She found a dealer in the Flats who gave her drugs in exchange for sex, and when she came home with a newborn baby, unsure of which trick was the father, I knew I had to protect the boys from her. When she was away, life was better, and when she died a few years ago, I was happy she was finally gone for good. She couldn’t hurt the boys anymore, and I no longer had to see how far she’d fallen into the gutter.
The sound of the water lapping against the shore was relaxing, and I watched as a bird landed on the surface of the water to cool off. He flittered his little wings, splashing water onto his back, and for the first time since I left the bakery, I smiled.
The sound of footsteps on the path had me turning my head over my shoulder to see who was approaching. My eyes grew wide as I watched Kade stroll down the path toward me. He was wearing a tight red shirt and had his hands tucked into his jeans pockets. He was wearing his cut, and he had a sad smile on his handsome face. My mouth was dry as I watched him get closer, and I wanted to walk away but was rooted in my seat.
He stepped off the path and walked to the bench under the tree where I was sitting. I turned my gaze back to the water as he spoke, “Can I sit down?”
I shrugged and pursed my lips as he sat down on the other end of the bench. I slid to the edge and twisted my fingers together in my lap as I waited for him to tell me why he was here and what the hell he wanted. He disappeared after his callous actions, and now he reappeared out of thin air. I didn’t know what to think or how to react, so I sat silently and waited for him to speak.
“You look well,” he said softly, and I stopped short of rolling my eyes.
The water ebbed and flowed gently at the water’s edge, and I felt my nose burning the longer he sat next to me. I could feel his eyes on me, and it felt both amazing and horrible at the same time. In my mind, all I could see was him and that woman together, and the bile rose in my throat.
I wasn’t ready for whatever he planned in this little ambush of his, so I stood from the bench, ready to walk away. He stood, and I stepped away from him, finally allowing my gaze to fall on him. His eyes were ringed red, and I could see the sadness filling them as he stared longingly at me.
He appeared to have lost weight but built muscles, which made him nearly irresistible. His hair was longer, brushing the top of his shoulders and the soft breeze blew a few strands around his beard. He still had the hardness to him, letting anyone who crossed his path know to beware, and I swallowed thickly as he took one step closer to me.
“Please don’t leave. I’d like to explain where I’ve been, if you’ll give me the time.”
I watched his left hand open and close with a clench, and I pursed my lips, unsure if I was ready for the conversation. Whatever he told me was going to rip the scabs off old scars, and I wasn’t ready to bleed. I would never be ready, but I needed to move past him so I could live my life looking forward.
He sat back down on the bench, and I perched on the edge as he leaned over and locked his hands together, resting his forearms on his thighs. His hair fell around his face, and I could hear him exhale before he sat back. He turned to look at me, and I glanced at him before looking back at the water.
“I’ve been in inpatient therapy since the day after you left the compound,” he admitted, and I turned my full attention to him.
The men of the MC didn’t talk about their feelings, and for someone like him, I can imagine how difficult saying that must be for him. I didn’t speak as his gaze fell to the bench, and when he looked up at me, I saw the determination in his eyes. There was a softer man underneath the hardened exterior, and I was curious for him to explain.
“When I was seven, my mom left me and my dad and shacked up in Memphis with some asshole. She divorced my dad and never bothered to care about me. She started a new family, and I occasionally get a Christmas card from her, showing how perfect her new life and new family are.” He scoffed before taking a swallow of water from his bottle. “I never knew what I did, that was so wrong, she could just stop loving me. So, I became reckless in my decisions and callous in my actions. After I left the Army, I used alcohol to numb myself and usually kept women at arm’s length. If they couldn’t get inside my heart, they couldn’t hurt me.”
The tears were building, and I blinked them away as he explained, “Until you. You pushed past what I understood to be love, and it scared the fuck out of me. How could I live up to someone so selfless and kind when I didn’t even comprehend how to give you the love you needed. The love you deserved.”
His amber eyes met mine, and he shook his head before casting his gaze back to the lake. So far, there wasn’t any explanation on why he hurt me so viciously, and I asked him softly, “What changed?”
“Me. I changed, and slowly, I became afraid I was going to hurt you. I was going to push you past where you were comfortable, and I would fuck you up like I was fucked up. I didn’t want to do that to you or Jacob, so I . . .”
“You decided it was okay to let some whore suck your dick, knowing I could walk up at any time, to what, save me from you?”
He nodded sadly and looked at the ground, and I laughed out loud before standing from the bench. Reaching into my purse, I pulled out the sealed envelope and handed it to him. He looked at it and back to me with confusion as I wagged it in front of him. Reluctantly, he took it from me, and as I turned to walk away, I explained.
“You could have been honest with me. We could have talked about it, but instead, you used the one thing I couldn’t share with you to hurt me. And you made sure to show me how inadequate I am, so thanks for that.” He moved his gaze away briefly and blinked before looking at me. “If I didn’t already know I was broken, your message was crystal clear. You don’t need to worry about me or my brother. I never asked that of you in the first place. All I wanted was for someone to accept me and love me for who I was. And I’m sorry that I never told you about what I . . . survived, but you never gave me a safe place to land if I did.”
As I stepped back onto the path, he called my name, and I turned to look at him. He was standing in the path behind me, and he asked, “Can I walk you back to your car?”
I shook my head and replied, “I’m a big girl. I got here on my own, I can find my way back.”
His shoulders sagged and his head fell as I walked away from him. I kept my pace steady and blinked against the threatening tears as I heard his footsteps fall in time with mine. The entire walk back to the parking lot, Kade stayed behind me, watching me. I saw him leaning against a light pole in the parking lot as I backed out of the space. Glancing in the rearview mirror, he continued to watch me drive away until I lost sight of him.
Finally letting a tear break free, I swiped it from my cheek as I drove back to Portstill alone. Resolving myself to the fact I may be alone forever. I turned the radio off and allowed myself the drive back to have a pity party. When I pulled into the driveway of my little two-bedroom house, I shook the last remnants of pain and walked inside, determined to perfect my newest cupcake recipe. I couldn’t control everything in my life, and baking gave me a sense of peace. Too bad Kade kept running through my mind, refusing to let me ignore him.
