Page 16 of Greedy Grizzly
I’d grown up with a mom who’d made my sister and me feel like burdens. She had blamed us for her shitty life and never took responsibility for getting pregnanttwice. Despite her horrible attitude and parenting skills, and lack of affection, I had loved her. Not that she ever mutteredI love youin all my yearswith her. I supposed that was why my sister and I hadn’t made things easy for her. We were a pair of selfish brats, those were Mom’s words, not mine.
Motherhood wasn’t for me, and not because I had a horrible mother. I enjoyed my independence and not having to care for another human.
But having the choice ripped away from me made me feel violated… and maybe a little heartbroken. My emotions were a jumbled mess, like I wanted to yell and cry all at once.
“No, I’m not saying that at all. Once you’re fully healed, I can assess the damage from the bullet better. It may be more difficult to conceive, but not impossible. And there’s always IVF. You can still have a child if you’d like.”
I kept my gaze on the wall in front of me as the doctor explained what I could expect during recovery over the next several months. Her words meant nothing to me, as a part of me wept over losing my ovary and fallopian tube. What was up with that?
I never wanted kids, never wanted to be a mom. Yet there I was, mourning the loss even though the doctor told me it wouldn’t be impossible, only difficult. A lot hindered on the damage, and we wouldn’t know to what degree until I was fully recovered.
Grizzly and Toby remained by my side. Sugar watched on, listening intently. The three of them appeared devastated on my behalf. Maybe I was feeding off their emotions and not my own.
I didn’t understand the crazy thoughts whirling through me. Even if I couldn’t conceive, I was alive, and that was all that mattered. So why did I feel empty and heartbroken?
Maybe being told I might not be able to have a baby on my own made me want one. How ridiculous was I? I loved being a Kitten. Then there was Grizzly and Toby. If I wanted to have a baby, who would I choose to be the father?
I slowly peered at Grizzly, then swooped my gaze over to Toby. They both owned a piece of my heart, though I hadn’t admitted it.
How could I pick one over the other?
And what if neither of them wanted children? They enjoyed me as I did them and cared about me, but having a baby would bond me to the father for life. I supposed I could get artificially inseminated with a stranger’s semen.
Why was I allowing these pointless thoughts into my head?
Just put a baby out of your mind. You don’t want kids. You’re a Kitten.
But you love two men, and you’d said you wanted more… Maybe you meant having your own family.
I did love two men, and that should be enough. I didn’t need a baby of my own, but I sure as hell wanted to decide for myself and not have the choice yanked out of my hands.
At least I had Grizzly and Toby.
Wherever they went, I’d follow.
I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life. Losing either of them would be worse than not having a child. I’d never survive the abject heartbreak of being without one or both of them.
4
LIBBY
“I can’t lose him,” I cried as I paced with my head clutched between my hands. Nausea nearly had me bending at the waist. Extreme pain speared through my heart.
That damn Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga song played in my head against my wishes. It had becomeoursong after I’d been shot and I’d told Landon about it.
It sure felt like the world was ending, but I was alone in a small, dark, suffocating space. The two people I loved with all my heart weren’t here. I felt abandoned and rejected, as I should after what I’d done to Landon.
“Maybe I’m dreaming.” I stopped in front of the bathroom mirror and saw my distraught face. Was today really today? It couldn’t be. I needed to wake up from this freaking nightmare.
Blinking at myself, more tears rolled down my cheeks. I was half tempted to smash my forehead against the faucet to prove to myself this was in fact the worst dream I’d ever had. But I wouldn’t allow myself to go off the rails just yet.
The excruciating pain pulsing through my veins was very real. Grizzly. Landon. Grizzly. Landon. His legal name and road name swirled in my head. Nobody called him Landon, just me.
When we’d taken our relationship to the next level, he’d given me permission to call him Landon. He actually preferredit over Grizzly. I’d taken his request seriously and as an intimate gesture, only meant for me because he cared about me.
Vomit inched to my throat as reality set in.Landonhad found out about me telling Angel he was also into men. Today was very real. Devastatingly real.
At least, I never mentioned Toby—only that Landon was more into men than me.
