Page 81 of Only for Tonight
I sit on the bed, my whole body feeling like it got hit by a Mack truck. The last four days have been some of the worst I’ve ever had. Even worse than being told my season would be cut short to have surgery. Even worse than being benched when you fuck up on the ice and have to sit there and watch your team without being able to help them. It’s that feeling of helplessness that has seeped into my soul, and I don’t know how to make it stop or to get it to go away.
When I walked into the house, I was so happy to see her, yet I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. It’s like my body was preparing itself for her to leave me. Knowing I had a hand in altering her future was one of the worst feelings in the world. Knowing because of me and my choice, it left her without a choice. I was supposed to protect her, but from the beginning I failed.
My mind was already starting to guard myself from the pain of losing her and the baby. It was driving me to the point where I felt like I was going to snap at any second. My game has been off too and the whole team has been feeling it. It’s a matter of time before Coach has enough of my shitty attitude and tells me to get my head out of my ass. One thing I’ve been notorious about was not bringing my personal life to the ice. I knew once I skated out there I had a job to do, however, the past couple of days I couldn’t shut it off.
I’ve never felt this way before in my life, and I also have never been so scared of what the future holds. Not when I was preparing to be drafted, not when I moved out of my house and to LA, all by myself with no support system. Not fucking ever.
She steps out of the bathroom, her eyes red from crying, crying because of me no doubt. She’s been asking me for the past four days if everything was okay, and it was not. It hasn’t been the same since Tiffany told me what she did. She stands there and the tightness in my chest is an ache I don’t think will go away, ever. “We need to talk,” I whisper to her.
I see it happen before my eyes. The tears form at the bottom of her eyes and I want to rush up and take her in my arms, but I can’t. I can’t do that until she knows the truth and she accepts it. She accepts that because of me, her future was altered.
“You’re having second thoughts?” She puts her hands on her stomach and I wish my hand was under hers. I wish I could hold her and get strength and reassurance from her.
“I need to tell you something,” I start, and I wish my legs were strong enough for me to stand up and go to her, but I know they are not. “Something that will…” I trail off, not even sure I want to say the words but knowing if I don’t tell her, it’ll eat me alive inside. The last thing I want to do is keep a secret this big from her. She deserves to know the truth, and if I don’t tell her, I’m just as bad as Tiffany.
“Oh my God!” She takes a step back, her voice cracking. “You cheated on me,” she accuses, and her breaths come in pants.
“What?” I gasp. “No.” I quickly shake my head side to side. “How could you think that? I could never. I would never.”
“You’ve been distant from me. Your texts have changed. You haven’t called me or FaceTimed me. You have not been yourself,” she replies, fumbling her words. I can see how nervous she is and I want to tell her to come to me, but I don’t. “And you came home, and you didn’t even kiss me .”
“Well, it’s not because I fucking cheated on you,” I hiss out. “I would never do that to you.” I quickly add in, “Never.”
“Then what the fuck is it?” she asks, her voice angry now. “What did I fucking do that you’ve changed in the last four days?”
“It’s not you,” I snap out, my heart beating so hard and fast in my chest it’s a miracle I’m not having a heart attack.
“Oh please”—she throws up her hands—“if you start the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk, I’m going to save you the time and?—”
“It’s my fault,” I blurt out and she looks at me, her face filled with confusion. “It’s my fault you’re pregnant.”
“Jaxon,” she says my name and rolls her eyes, “pretty sure I was there and had a hand in that.”
“No, not that,” I quickly refute. “It’s…” I run my hand through my hair and wish I could hold her in my arms while I tell her this, but I don’t have the courage to do it. “It’s…”
“Jaxon.”
“Tiffany found out that you're pregnant,” I relay, and her hands fall from her stomach to the sides of her.
“And that bothers you?” I see her swallow and I shake my head.
“I couldn’t give a shit if she knows or not. Eventually, everyone is going to know, but I told Kirby and Kirby’s girlfriend is best friends with her.”
“Okay.” She looks at me, unsure of where I’m going with this.
“I blocked her number on my phone because, well, she’s a bit—” I don’t say the word. “And then I got this unknown number and I answered it, thinking it was your mom. But it wasn’t, it was her.”
“Okay.”
“She called me all pissed that you were pregnant.”
“Well, that sounds about right.” She folds her arms over her chest. “She’s like One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
I chuckle for the first time in five days, and I’m not surprised she’s the only one who can make me laugh. “You have no idea.” I look down, feeling my stomach rising. “She was pissed that it wasn’t her.”
“Well, again.” She whistles as she uses her finger to go around in a circle by her head.
“It gets worse.” My stomach feels like I’m going to hurl on her feet. “She did something and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me,” I mumble and she stares at me. “She fucking tampered with the condoms!” I roar the words out and she takes a step back, her face going white. “I thought she was fucking with me. At least I fucking hoped she was fucking with me. But then I came home, and I went to check the ones I had left.” The color drains away from her face.
