Page 86 of Only for Tonight
She got home from shopping with Zoey late this afternoon at the same time I was walking out, so I couldn’t ask her about how she’s been feeling. When I stood here in the living room for the most awkward two minutes of my life, I wondered if she was going to say anything to me. It also was about the same time I finally got my head out of my ass and realized I was in love with her. Like a fucking lightbulb went off in my head or a car coming straight at me. I didn’t just want her because she's having my baby. I want her because I love being with her. I want her because I love that she always makes me smile and laugh. I want her because she’s Ariella, she’s beautiful and kind. I also knew I couldn’t just tell her I was in love with her now, because she would probably think I was saying it just because of fucking Tiffany, which made me hate that bitch even more than I already did.
My hand comes out and I brush the hair that has fallen on her cheek away from her face. Before I lean in and softly kiss her lips. Fuck, I’ve missed her more than I can put into words. Not just being with her, but just fucking holding her hand. Being able to take her in my arms and hug her. Burying my face in her neck as she wraps her arms and legs around me. I missed this and I want it fucking back. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles softly at me. “Hi,” she mumbles, looking more beautiful than she has ever looked.
“Hi,” I return softly, my hand moving to her face. “I’m sorry I woke you.” My chest tightens when I think about leaning forward and kissing her, but not knowing if I should. Or if she wants me to. What if she hates me, the thought alone cuts me off at my knees.
“It’s okay,” she says, “I tried to wait up for you.”
“Yeah, it was a little later since I avoided the press,” I confess to her.
“Is that because you took two late penalties in the third period when you guys were only up by one?” she asks me. I look down, trying to hide the smile that is on my face.
“That would be it,” I admit to her. “You watched the game?”
“Well, yeah,” she replies and I get up and sit by her side on the couch, my hand going from her face to around her waist. “I was doing it while I unpacked the boxes.”
“I can see that.” I look around and spot a couple more things of hers that she put around the house. “You didn’t have to do it all in one night.”
“I had pent-up energy.” I look down at her, wanting to move her to her back and make love to her.
“I know how you feel,” I say softly and the two of us just stare at each other. I wait for her to say something while she is probably waiting for me to say something. But I’m so fucking scared to have this conversation, I avoid it. “I’m going to get something to eat. Are you hungry?”
“No,” she says. Her voice is so soft, it feels like it’s broken. “I think I’m going to head up to bed.”
“Okay.” I get up and hold out my hand for her. She tosses the throw blanket to the side and stands up. I see she’s wearing her shorts and a short crop top, but I can see the little baby bump and my chest fills with so much pressure it feels like a house just fell on me. She stands in front of me and my hands come up to hold her face in my hands. “I’ll be up in a bit,” I tell her before I kiss her lips and walk away from her. I close my eyes at the same time I hear her walk up the steps. “You have to talk to her,” I tell myself. “You have to man up and talk to her and hear what she has to say and tell her you love her.”
I eat one of my meals sitting on the stool with Sports Center playing in the background, like I’ve done a thousand times before. Like I did not even two months ago, but I’ve never felt more alone. Turning off all the lights, I head upstairs, knowing it can’t go on like this, not for me, not for her, and not for the baby. If I have to let her go, it will kill me, but I would do it for her.
When I walk into the room, I spot her on her side, tucked into a ball. I walk as quietly as I can to the closet where I undress and then head out to the bed.
I’m pretty sure I sleep maybe two hours straight, opening my eyes and seeing I’m in bed alone. I turn to get out of bed and spot her in my robe, sitting outside on the couch, watching the water in the distance.
Her hair is piled on top of her head as she holds a coffee cup in her hand that I know is filled with the herbal tea she’s been drinking lately. I toss the covers off me, getting up and going to the bathroom and slipping on a pair of basketball shorts and T-shirt before I go down and make myself a cup of coffee. Heading back upstairs, I find her in the same place. “Morning,” I say, walking out and hearing the sound of the water crashing on the shore filling the air.
“Morning,” she returns, looking up at me as I take a seat on the other side.
I take a sip of coffee before setting it down on the table in front of me, the bitterness hitting my stomach right away. “What’s going on?” I finally get the courage to ask her.
“You tell me. It’s been over a week that you’ve been distant from me. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Her voice sounds as defeated as I feel.
“I didn’t want to push you,” I admit to her. “The whole thing with Tiffany fucked with my head and I felt a guilt so heavy that I can’t even explain,” I admit and she puts her own cup down.
“Is that what it’s going to be like when you go through these thoughts in your head?” she asks me. “Are you going to just shut down and not talk to me about it?”
“No, of course not. It’s just, it was big, Ari.” I look at the water. “I wanted to give you time to process everything. Time for me to process my guilt.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not like you knew what she was doing,” she declares, letting me off the hook a little. “I was shocked and then mad, but you just shut me out.”
“I wasn’t the only one who shut down,” I rebut and she just looks at me. “You shut me out also, you could have spoken to me.” My heart speeds up fast in my chest. “Shouted, screamed, cursed, did something but you did nothing.”
“I can’t do this.” That is the only thing my head hears; it’s the words I was scared to hear. It’s the words that make me feel like the rug is being pulled from under me. I stand up and she just watches me with her mouth open.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I say, not sure I can actually be here and listen to her say she’s leaving me. “I have to go to practice.”
“Jaxon,” she calls my name.
“I can’t do this right now,” I state, making my way straight out of the bedroom and toward the door. I grab my keys and wallet before putting on my shoes and head out.
My heart speeds up so hard and so fast I have to pull over a second after I leave the house. I head over to the rink, knowing nobody is going to be there. Parking my SUV before heading in, I am shocked when I see Kirby standing by his locker. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
