Page 16 of Apricity
I chuck another cord of wood over to the pit’s direction, blind to whether or not it actually makes its destination but using the manual labor to drain the feeling of failure from my soul. It’s not until acoughsounds behind me that I pause and turn to see Cole standing next to the pit, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, waiting.
Of course, it’s Cole. That’s his fucking role, isn’t it? He ties the group together. The healer. The damn know-it-all. Hawk’s the fixer. Need a good laugh? He’s your guy. Need someone to shoot something? He’s right there, insanityand everything. But me? I was the protector. The fucking guardian, and now I’m not even that.
That's right asshole... you've been demoted.
“Playing with your wood isn’t going to fix it, you know?”
Oh, hah hah hah… very fucking funny, dick.
I turn back around, heaving another three pieces blindly behind me. On the fourth toss, I turn around and throw only to see Cole catch it midair and set it in its proper place in the pit for me. Looking around for the other discarded pieces, it looks like he’s done that for all of them. I roll my eyes, shaking my head and crossing my arms as he steps towards me.
“Look, I get it, bro. The storm fucked everything up, including your control. Now’s the time to focus on taking it back, not have a bitch fit with a pile of wood.”
“Maybe I’m controlling my reaction to everything bychoosingto throw a bitch fit with a pile of wood,” I retort, growling the words from between my gritted teeth, cocking my head, and waiting for his rebuttal.
“Well, seeing how out of control your throws were just now, I’d say that you’re doing a fabulous job of it. Wouldn’t you say?”
Fuck his sarcasm and his logic.“A person is allowed to erupt every once in a while, goddammit.”
“Of course, you are, but you need to do it in a positive way,” Cole says in response to the words I didn’t know I muttered out loud. Aly must be rubbing off on me or I’ve just hit my boiling point and am losing myself, now. Great. More loss of control.
Cole reaches his arm out to me, just like he did that one day at the estate when I was losing myself. “Think, Jax. Think about what we need and delegate. We have no more electricity, or hot water, but guess what? We have a gas stove. That’s something. We can even cook your toast over the burner if we want to. We have the fire pit outside and a wood burning stove inside to keep us warm. We also have a shit ton of candles because either you knew something like this would happen, or you’re hiding a sappy romantic deep inside that steel cage you keep your heart in. Now take a moment, close your eyes, breathe and just think. What is it that weneed?”
I huff with objection but concede anyways, closing my eyes as I take a few deep breaths. The stress lightens a little bit, which helps clear the red from the sides of my vision, so I continue to do as he says. Think. What do we need? Notwhat would make it easier,but basic, simple needs.
We need shelter. We have that.
We need food and water. We have some reserves left, and the property is equipped with a well for water. It’s suitable for drinking and bathing but we need to get it into the house now that the pump is no longer functioning.
Tasks.
He said to delegate.
Focus
We need to find a way to get the water to the house. Whether it be carrying it in with buckets or finding another way for the pump to work, we need to figure out something. The solar panels are shot but can we mend the generator? I haven’t checked on the full extent of the damage to it apartfrom the obviously busted up housing as well as trying to turn it on, which was an absolute failure. But, we’re in Farmville, USA right now, which means I’m probably not the only one that had a generator on hand. We could scout for one. Or at the very least, the parts we may need to fix the one we have. And while we’re looking for that, we can stock up on supplies and food at the same time.
Tasks.
Delegation.
Security. We have no security. No fence. Nothing to keep out, well, anything. Zombies, bad guys, fucking bears. We’re vulnerable to the umpth degree right now.
Tasks.
Delegation.
My breathing slows. My heartrate settles to a steadier rhythm. Cole nods as he takes in my calmer form, encouraging me to continue with whatever the fuck he thinks I’m doing.
What am I doing?
I’m a leader. I need to lead. It’s where I belong.
Tasks.
Delegation.
I nod back at Cole. “I know what I need to do. Whatweneed to do.” Abandoning the pile of wood in the pit, I turn and head back into the cabin, full of purpose, drive and focus.
