Page 19 of Apricity
Jax says that’s normal, however, and that it might take a few more days before we see anything come through. According to the guys, the deer stands are located on what look to be active game trails. Well… at least that’s what they all said when they saw the tracks in the mud.
I just saw mud.
I’ve never been hunting. Not a single day in my life. Have I had the opportunity to do so? Sure. Have I ever wanted to? Not once. Should I have? Maybe. I don’t know. Looking back now, it’s a skill I probably should have invested at leastsometime in, learning how to track or bait or something. I know how to fish, so at least there’s that. But it’s nothing but a bunch of rotten luck since we have no rods here and all the ones we used to have are probably char-broiled at the estate. I could resort to living off veggies but knowing me I’d eat the wrong berries and die of cardiac arrest or dysentery or some other such shit. Get taken out Oregon Trail style.
“We should set some snares closer to the lake. Try for some rabbit or squirrel. Maybe dig a few pitfalls, too. They could serve a dual purpose: might help catch a deer or a bear while simultaneously protecting us against a horde. They won’t notice the trap and will fall right in. As it stands, we have no perimeter fencing here so any little bit could help if it comes to it.”
The guys nod back at his suggestions while I take in Jax, fully in his element. He’s a leader. He needs stability. Regiment. Control of the things outside to be in control of himself. Regardless of the fact that we didn’t get any meat today, I see his shoulders relax, just a little, and the strain in his eyes eases as he doles out orders to Hawk and Cole. They run back to the cabin, tasked with retrieving the tools and equipment needed for the jobs we need to finish before nightfall, while Jax pulls me into his hard chest, his hands bracketing my face as he looks deep into my soul.
“You did good today, baby.”
“How? By not falling out of a tree and killing myself in the process? Yay, me….” My eyes drift down to the ground, frustrated with my lack of ability to provide any sort of… well anything to our little group apart from being a liability. Jax tilts my face back up to meet his inquisitive stare.
“You fought through your fears. I didn’t know you were afraid of heights or else I probably would have just stayed on the ground with you. But, even still, you pushed yourself up those rungs, regardless of how terrified you seemed to be. You forced yourself to overcome your fears to be better. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am. And from the looks I saw from Cole and Hawk, they were full of pride as well.”
I don’t know what to say as tears suddenly fill my eyes. All I want is to make myself worthy of them. The guys that took my incapacitated self in during the worst of times and decided to love me for me. And I, them. The praise I receive from Jax overwhelms me. And the fact that Cole and Hawk most definitely feel the same way makes my knees week. Jax sees my faltering legs and wraps his arm around my back, holding us together.
“You did good, baby,” he whispers this time, softly, inches from my lips before he captures them with his, pressing this belief into me as if the movement will solidify the fact in my soul. Through his sheer willpower or my consuming vulnerability, I feel a break in the dam inside me, flooding my being, at least for the moment, with a sense of belonging and worthiness.
Chapter 12
Hawk
I set the snares down on a large boulder about a hundred feet away from the lake. After the day of hunting turned bust, not to mention our secluded location, Jax is right to suggest we opt for alternative measures to acquire food. Animals will, no doubt, come to the water eventually to get hydrated and, by the looks of the various game trails surrounding me, this looks to be a natural highway for them.
“Alright, set one up right there and, Cole, why don’t you go on ahead and set another one down that way about a quarter-mile from here.” Jax points down the game trail before nodding to both of us. “I’ll take Aly and set up another over this way. Meet back here in twenty.”
I watch as they each go their separate ways leading away from my central location. Aly, Jax and Sadie go to the right while Cole runs to the left, to get their traps set before returning to me.
A few minutes after I set mine, I see Cole leisurely heading down the slope in my direction. I’m not surprised he’s back first. Jax is probably teaching Aly how to set the traps since, I can only assume, she’s never done it before. He’s guiding her. Preparing her.
Speaking of preparation and guidance, Cole is… well I’m not really sure who the fuck he is anymore. And, after what we’ve been doing… I’m not really sure who or what the fuck I am either. All I know is I’m not exactly opposed to any of it. And, as far as limits go, I can’t really think of anything other than what we already wrote down.
Cole’s little sidenote, about not mindingwhohe does stuff with, out of the three of us, definitely took me by surprise. And it shocked me even further when I woke up and realized that the statement might also pertain to me. That Cole, my best friend for years, might actually want to experiment… with me. Strange enough, I’m finding that I’m, surprisingly, ok with that. Straight. Bi. Bicurious. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need to label anything to justify its existence. It justis.
But I can’t help the fact that the topic floods my mind. It must show on my face when Cole steps in front of me, in tune to everything as always.
“Everything ok?” he asks.
I hesitate. Why is this getting to me? Or rather...
“Is this weird?” I wince at the abrupt start to the conversation from hell. I don’t want to do this, but I think I need to.
He crosses his arms. “What do you mean?”
I lickmy lips nervously. “I mean... is it weird that I’m not weirded out by...this?” I’m being a fucking shit, absolutely failing at communicating anything right now.
It’s fucking Cole, just man the fuck up and ask.
“Theusthing. Thatiswhat you meant, right? What you were saying the other day? Testingthosewaters?” Understanding graces his face as he nods once, dropping his arms to his sides.
“Hawk, it’s only weird if you make it so. I’ve never declared myself to have a preference or anything besides the fact that I love Aly. I love you and Jax, too. Platonically, of course. But if those feelings were to ever evolve into something more, then we'll figure it out, but I will never act on any of it unlessAly approves and only if those feelings are reciprocated.”
Reciprocated. Yeah, cause it’s that easy.
I’m fucking lost as I remember the time when we first got here. Cole asked me how comfortable I was with my sexuality. I naively said, “Very.” Then, as I was fucking Aly, he licked her pussy, clit and my dick in fucking tandem. Did I enjoy it? Fucking yeah! But does it help me figure my shit out any easier? Absolutely fucking not! The lines have been blurred and, while I’m not complaining about it, I don’t exactly know what to do about it, either.
I huff and rake my fingers through my hair, confused as ever. “What if I feel like I don’t know...anythinganymore?”
