Page 37 of Anathema
Alexis
Lastnightwasoverwhelming.There was so much to unpack over a short period of time. My emotions were running high as if they had been injected with steroids overnight. Everything had become so much more complicated than where we started, his confession wrapping around my neck like a noose.
I had strong feelings for Derek but was far from ready to confess anything more. I let him in last night, giving him a chance to become something more, and it terrified the ever-living shit out of me.
I managed to get a few hours of sleep after Derek fucked literally every ounce of energy out of me. I could feel the warm sun on my face as it peeked through the curtains, and I wished it had remained dark for a little longer.
When I opened my eyes and felt strong arms wrapped tightly around my body, I froze like a deer in headlights, trying my hardestto keep my breathing still and my heart calm. I could feel Derek’s slow sleep-induced breaths blowing into my back, his heart beating against my spine.
How did I get myself here? When I locked myself in the bathroom, I was sure he would have left, taking the hint and accepting the rejection I shoved into his perfect face. But instead, he threatened to break down the door if I refused to let him in. To top it all off, he began counting as if I were a child, and that was where I found myself falling apart.
While I was on the other side of the bathroom door from him, I felt like I was worlds away, trying to escape my feelings and shut myself off, as Chyler did so well. I don’t know how she ever trained her mind to work the way it did, but this was a time when I wished she had taught me that same skill—to become a shell of a person, void of all emotion.
If I hated Derek so much, why did that first kiss threaten to take my breath away? Why was I laying here in his arms, not disgusted at the thought of his body trapping me to this bed? What did I—dare I say—like this?
I was angry with myself, tears blurring my vision as I drowned in thought. My toxic mind was suffocating me as punishment for making such an impulsive decision. Giving into my body and its burning desire for his touch and affection. He was going to make me weak.
Never in my entire life had I ever questioned my choices or even hated myself for them. But right now, I was fucking terrified of what I had done. Not for me, but for him.
What was going to happen with Anathema? I couldn’t hide that truth from him, maybe temporarily for a few years, but eventually, it would come out, and then what? Would I suffer the same fate as Monika? Worse? Would they murder Derek as a loose end? Would they make me do it?
Derek worked for the fucking CIA. There was nothing he didn’t and couldn’t know about me. He would always find out at the end of the day. Trust would be the only thing that would save us from a relationship full of lies and deceit. But could I trust him? Would he ever trust me? I could feel my heart rate accelerating, pounding in my chest as dark thoughts spiraled out of control in my mind.
I felt a tight squeeze around me, lips parting, as I attempted to catch my breath, squeezing my eyes shut to stop the walls from spinning in front of them.
“Lex… breathe.” The muffled voice sounded far away, but it was soothing. I was floating away, my head buzzing as the blood pounded in my ears.
“Breathe, pretty viper.”A warmth echoed through my mind, cast out like a net to reel me in. I could feel my breathing start to slow and calm as I found my way back into my body.
“That’s it. Look at me, beautiful.” At the soft-spoken words, my eyes fluttered open, and I was face to face with Derek, his hands cradling my cheeks. “There she is.” He murmured.
Butterflies were fluttering in my stomach as I swallowed, placing my hands on his and searching his warm eyes. How could he have this kind of effect on me without even trying? I knew what I wasfeeling towards him, but I refused to accept it so soon. No one fell this hard and fast so quickly.
On the other hand, Chyler and Atlas fell in love from the very first meeting. I saw it: how he lit up her eyes whenever she thought about him.
But he wasn’t Derek, and I wasn’t her.
“Wha—” I started with a gasp.
“You were hyperventilating… What’s wrong, Lex?” Derek wondered, concern written across his face. Do I tell him? Am I ready?
I sucked in a sharp breath before pulling away, and I could see his frown of disappointment at my silence. Just because I had let him in last night didn’t mean I suddenly had to become an open book. He hasn’t earned that privilege yet; I wasn’t required to tell him every little fucking thing that entered my mind.
Clearing my throat, I moved to leave the bed, tossing the duvet off of me. Derek’s hand shot out and quickly grabbed my wrist, pulling me aggressively back down onto the mattress. I collapsed in front of him as his gaze darkened, boring holes into me. I swallowed, consumed by his stare.
“I don’t expect you to open up to me after one night, but don’t play me as ignorant. I know when something is wrong and when you are hiding things from me. It’s more than obvious that something has upset you, and if you won’t tell me what it is, I’ll figure it out myself.” He promised before releasing my wrist and allowing me to push myself back up to sit on the edge of the bed.
Derek cared about me more than I deserved from anyone. I could see it in his eyes: the need to protect and comfort. I wouldnever understand how a man like him came into my life, but allowing him to do what I had always done for myself would take time—and a lot of it.
Licking my dry lips, I ran a hand through my hair and stood from the bed, pulling on an oversized T-shirt and refusing to give in to his warm and comforting words.
“Every part of me is earned, Derek. And last night, I only let you open the door.”
Forget that I cried and broke apart entirely in front of him. Yes, I became a vulnerable mess, but when you bottle up emotions for so long, eventually, they find their way to the surface, and it’s never a pretty sight.
I could have shattered like that in front of any man who drove me to the edge of pure and utter madness; Derek wasn’t anyone special. He may think my vulnerability was out of an unspoken emotion, but it wasn’t. The only thing I loved right now was fucking him, and even then, that word was used loosely.
Allowing him to have more of me was not off the table entirely; I know what I said to him, what I was willing to offer him. But Derek would have to earn every single piece of me, and I knew he was capable of doing so.
