Page 22 of Dark Shaman: Love Found
A bitter smile touched his lips. "I improvise."
The admission hung between them, dangerous and honest. She understood the weight of it, the trust he was showing by revealing even this much. In Navuh's world, everyone lied to survive. The fact that Elias admitted to it, even obliquely, spoke volumes.
"We all do what we must," she said quietly. "I've told myself that for so long, I almost believe it."
"Tamira—"
"No," she interrupted, needing to say this while she had the courage. "I need you to understand something. What we have, what we've found together, is the first real thing I've felt in centuries. Everything else has been playacting, going through the motions of existence. But with you..." She risked a glance at his face, saw her own intensity reflected there. "With you, I remember what it feels like to be alive."
"You humble me." His voice was rough. "I'm just a man, Tamira. A man with too many secrets and not enough truth to offer you."
"I don't need all your truths," she said, though part of her desperately wanted them. "I just need this, whatever this is between us, and I appreciate your trust in me. I know you were not allowed to tell me what you did."
He nodded. "It's the only way we can bond while everyone is watching us. Little truths that we offer each other instead of kisses and caresses."
"That's sweet, but I want both."
"Tell me something real," he whispered. "Something you've never told another soul."
The request caught her off guard. In their week of nights together, they'd shared bodies and philosophical discussions, but very little of their personal histories. It was safer that way, maintaining some boundaries even in intimacy. But sitting here in this inadequate shade, with the fountain singing between them and the walls, she found herself wanting to give him this piece of herself.
"I had a son," she said, the words emerging like shards of glass. "Maybe I still do. I don't know whether he still lives. It was more than a century ago, but I assume that he was induced and turned immortal. I just don't know if he fell in battle. I don't even know his name other than the name I gave him, and I know that was changed as soon as he was taken away from me."
His hand found hers despite the watching eyes, fingers interlacing with desperate strength. "Tamira..."
"I named him Darien." She stared at the fountain, unable to meet Elias's eyes. "He was beautiful. Such a happy baby, always laughing." Her voice caught. "He was nine months old when they took him."
"Nine months?" The pain in his voice matched what she'd felt all those centuries ago.
"Lord Navuh is generous," she said bitterly. "Some boys are taken earlier. I had nine months to fall in love with Darien.Just long enough to memorize every expression, every sound."
"You never heard from him?"
She shook her head. "If he survived the training, if he survived the wars, he'd be a commander by now, perhaps leading raids or running operations. He might have passed through this very compound, and I wouldn't know him."
"The cruelty of it..."
"It's for the boys' own safety," she said, keeping her head down and her hair cascading down her sides so no one could read her lips. "The lord claimed him as his son, like he does with all the boys born to the immortal ladies of his harem, but since none of his sons know who their mothers are, none can claim superiority. Otherwise, they would kill each other. Or at least that is what Lord Navuh claims." She took a shuddering breath. "I was just grateful that I didn't have a daughter. At least my son had a chance at some kind of life, even if it wasn't with me."
"It must have been so difficult for you."
"It was, but even Lady Areana suffered the same fate, with her two boys taken away from her as babies. She convinced me that it was for their own good, and that in a brutal organization like the Brotherhood, whoever Navuh favored, the others would try to eliminate. That's why he ignored even his own sons. He treats them all the same, as if he doesn't care for them. If he were to show favoritism, it would be like signing their death sentences."
"I can see the wisdom in that," Elias said. "It's cruel, but sometimes we have to choose the lesser evil. There is a good chance that your son is alive." He offered her an encouraging smile. "I'll keep an eye out for a gorgeous man with dark hair and incredible blue eyes."
She nodded. "If you find him, tell him that his mother loves him very much, and that she still misses him."
"I will," he promised.
A door slammed somewhere, making them both tense, and she realized that the gardener who'd been watching them had disappeared. When had that happened? The absence of surveillance should have been a relief, but instead it made her nervous. In Navuh's world, being unwatched usually meant something worse was coming.
"We should discuss safer topics," she said, trying to recapture their earlier cautious distance. "Tell me about life in the hotel. How are the servants managing?"
"Well enough." He accepted the redirect, though she could see he wanted to pursue their previous conversation. "Many are treating it as an unexpected vacation. The children, especially, seem thrilled with the beach access."
"I envy them," she said. "To be so close to the ocean and unable to touch it is just another form of torture. Lady Areana is planning to ask the lord to allow us a beach outing. That would be fun."
"Yes. I wish I could go with you so we can enjoy the experience together."
