Page 104 of Bad Habit
My heart was pounding so hard it was difficult to hear, and impossible to find the words to express how I was feeling, or even to sort outhowI was feeling.
“I told you I’d call the police. Didn’t you believe me?”
“I believe you. Seeing you one last time. It’s worth getting locked up for.”
“Why?”
“I want to apologize.”
“No need.” He wasn’t the man I thought he was, but trusting him had beenmymistake, not his.
“Faith, I know I can’t make it up to you.” He shook his head. “But I hope you found your way back.”
“Back? To where?”
“To the Church. To your calling.”
I shook my head. “Mac, you helped me find my calling, not lose it.”
Adorable lines formed between his eyebrows. “So you are entering the convent.”
“What? No. That’s not my calling. I told you. Becoming a nun was my mother’s idea, never mine. In fact…” I took a couple of steps forward. “I haven’t said this out loud yet.” I drew a long breath and half-whispered, “I’m not even sure I believe in God anymore.”
I shook my head. “Or maybe I do, but I don’t think I believe inreligion, do you know what I mean? I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I one thing I know for certain is that you turned me in the right direction.”
Looking ill, he stepped back. “I’m such a shit.” His voice broke. “You’re an angel, and I smeared my shit on your fucking halo.”
“That’s overstating it a bit, don’t you think?”
He closed his eyes and took a long breath. “Listen. I didn’t know about the drugs, I never would have donated them to the mission if I’d known. But Ididknow the formula was stolen and I should never had involved the mission, involved you. I’m so sorry about that.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Is that what he wanted to hear? Strange thing was, I believed him about the drugs, that he hadn’t known. But I’d also believed him when he’d said he was done with crime, and that had been my mistake.
“That’s just apology number one,” he said. “I’ll be a hundred before I could do enough good things to right the scales for all the bad things I’ve done, but the very worst thing I’ve ever done was drag you down even an inch toward my level.”
“I’m hardly a fallen woman.”
He nodded, but the sadness in his eyes almost killed me. “When I told you I was done with crime, I meant it. There was just a timing issue.”
I shook my head.
“I know it’s no excuse, but loyalty is very important in our family, and I’d promised my brothers I’d do that job. I know that sounds like semantics and I should have just told you that I had one last job.”
He wiped sweat from his forehead. Normally so cool and collected, he was clearly flustered, nervous about this conversation, and it melted into my resolve. He’d risked prison to come here today. That proved something. Didn’t it?
“Look.” He looked down at the pavement, then up into my eyes. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me. It’s not like we were never going to work.”
“Bullshit.”
Startled, he stepped back. “You’reswearingnow? More proof of the damage I’ve done to you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Mac. I can make my own choices—to swear or not to swear, to be a nun or not. I do have free will.”
“Yes, of course.” He transferred the ball to the other arm, then looked down. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Because I’m going to call the police?”
“No. I knew you’d call. I wanted to see you, regardless. I was afraid to face you and give a proper apology, and I thought that’s why I came, for you, but now I see that coming here was selfish.”
