Page 63 of Bad Habit
“When I told you that I was questioning my life, my calling. You feel responsible, don’t you?”
“What?” He shook his head, but his eyes told me I was right.
“Don’t feel guilty.” I cupped the side of his face. “I’ve been questioning my calling since I talked to my aunt. It’s not just about you.”
“Sure, but… I…”
“Me not becoming a nun… it scares you.”
He nodded, slowly.
His honesty cut me deeply, but I understood. “Don’t worry, Mac. Even if I don’t enter the convent, I don’t expect anything from you. Even after we have intercourse, I don’t expect you to marry me—”
Air burst from his chest as he pushed back from my chair. “Marry you?”
His reaction hurt more than I cared to admit, but I was strong. I could push through this, control my emotions.
“I may be old-fashioned and naive, but I know that sex and marriage don’t always go together.” I leaned forward. “Please. Don’t worry. That’s not what I expect from you. And I appreciate how you’re helping me understand sin and experience new things. I don’t expect this to turn into something life-lasting. Don’t be afraid.”
“You don’t get it,” he turned away from me. “The idea that you’d expect marriage after we… That didn’t even occur to me.”
I rose and put my hand softly on his back. “Then what?”
He slowly turned back to face me. “I’m afraid that I’ll ruin you.”
“Ruin me? You mean by taking my virginity?”
“No. More than that. Faith…” He shook his head like he couldn’t quite figure out what he wanted to say. “You’re such a good person. And I’m not.”
“That’s nonsense.” I reached up to put my hand on his chest. “You are good, Mac. I can tell. You have so much goodness in you. More than you know.”
“You don’t know a thing about me.”
“Yes I do. You helped me with the kids, and doing this—” I gestured around the room. “You’re doing all of this just for me. You’re so kind and thoughtful and patient. And you’ve done it all without asking for anything in return.”
Grunting, he grabbed my hand and pushed it against his erection. “Believe me. I plan to get what I want.”
I gasped at the hard heat against my hand, at the way it made me feel, and at the rising desire evident in his eyes.
In a second, his expression had turned from concern into something dark, something animalistic, and caught under that gaze, having it trap me like a rabbit stared down by a wolf, excitement raced through me, combined with fear.
“That’s not what I meant.” My face heated, my entire body heated as my hand pressed against his hardness and he looked at me like hewascapable of my utter destruction. “You were kind to me, to the children, to everyone without expecting…” I tried to pull my hand away, but he pressed it in harder, starting to rub my palm along it.
His eyes narrowed. “Maybe all this time, maybe I did all that just because I wanted tofuckyou.” His member twitched in my hand, and I sucked in a sharp breath.
“You spent weeks helping a nun to coach basketball just to seduce her?” That fear had been inside me at first, but I no longer believed it. At least, I didn’t want to.
He laughed and released his pressure on my hand, but I kept it there, wanting to stroke him like he’d done to himself. Wanting to slide my hand under his robe to feel his member without a barrier as it continued to it grow and stiffen, as it pressed up against his belly beneath my touch.
My breathing turned labored as I pictured the sinful things I wanted. I wanted to bend over and kiss its tip. I wanted to know how he tasted—just like he’d tasted me. I wanted to make him ejaculate in my hand.
“Hey,” he said. “My face is up here.”
Embarrassed, I lifted my gaze to meet his.
His expression had softened. He was back to the Mac I knew and loved. And I did love him.
I wasn’t sure what that meant or what to make of it, yet, but I knew it was true. This man—I didn’t have any expectations of marriage, or even that he might love me back—but I knew that this man was part of me now, part of my heart, and would stay there through this life and after.
