Page 60 of Desired for Her Blood
“By the time I had transformed into a vampire,” Zuben continues, looking straight ahead with a blank stare, “I had no concept of sexual pleasure that did not involve pain. The two feelings had become completely entwined, imbedded in my DNA.”
“But hurting Ember…after suffering so much yourself…” You’d think he’d have more compassion.
He looks up. “After I transitioned, they trained me to do to others what they had done to me. We would capture humans and…” His voice trails off, but it’s not hard to fill in the rest.
“How did you…when did you leave your Makers?”
“Once I had become completely dependent on their punishments, their brutal sex acts, once I was utterly broken, they allowed me more freedom. I was able to explore Alexandria at night on my own.”
Alexandria. Iknewthe dude was Egyptian. “And you made a run for it?”
“Not at first. I am ashamed to say that I brought more than one human back to our…” He shakes his head. “But one night I met another vampire, and he introduced me to others, and I soon learned that what I was doing, what my Makers had done to me… I learned that it wasn’t normal.”
“No shit.”
Nodding, he looks into my eyes for the first time since he started talking, and I feel a powerful connection to this vampire. We are connected through pain. We have both lived in captivity, and we both know the even greater pain that comes from hurting others.
“I always knew that what we were doing to the human’s was wrong,” he says softly. “Morally, ethically wrong… But I’d grown tocraveit toneedit, and could no longer achieve any…sexual satisfaction without pain—giving or receiving—usually both. It was part of who I’d become.”
“A sadist?” I want to bite back my words.
He blinks. “No, a vampire.”
“Oh.” His meaning sinks in. “So you thought…you thought all of that was just part of being a vampire.”
He nods. “And once I met the other vampires and learned that it wasn’t, I left my Makers. I fled the city, the country, eventually the continent and have never been back.”
“Can’t say I blame you. I wasn’t exactly fond of the vampire who made me either.” Part of me wants to tell him my story, to let him know just how much I understand what he’s been through, but I sense he isn’t finished spilling his own, and I suspect I’m the first person he’s told this to. I don’t want to stop him.
“Once I was free from them,” he continues, “I took a solemn oath to never hurt anyone ever again.”
“Sure. But…no sex?”
He shifts, and his still erect dick bounces. The fucker is still painfully hard.
“I do not know how to…” He shakes his head. “Pain and sex are connected for me. They always have been and I cannot experience sexual pleasure that doesn’t involve pain—pain for me, pain for my partner, preferably both.”
“So you abstained? Completely?” I still can’t hide my shock at this. It’s hard enough for a human to avoid fucking, but near impossible for a vampire. Feedings, needed for us to live,alwaysgive rise to some kind of sexual desire.
“I found ways to subdue my lust.”
I wince. “What kind of ways?”
“Hurting myself, restraining my sex organs, focusing all my energy on my studies and on suppressing my emotions to become…”
“A robot.”
He shrugs.
“Listen, dude. I fully sympathize with what you’ve been through. But maybe it’s time to try to get past it all? I mean, you keep claiming you don’t have emotions, but that’s bullshit. I can tell how you feel about Ember.”
His head cocks to the side. “What do you mean?”
“Zubey, buddy, come on. Even if you aren’t fully there yet, you are definitely falling in love with her.”
He shakes his head vigorously. “No. That is not within the realms of possibility. I do not evenbelievein love, so how could I feel it?”
His speech has turned stilted again, as if my accusation flipped a switch.
