Page 41 of Fighting for Her Heart
It is my greatest shame that I cannot give Ember everything she deserves and desires. “Has Ember expressed unhappiness about the situation?” I ask quietly, as the flames rise to lick the night sky.
“That’s not the point, either,” Axel answers. “Your happiness matters too, Zuben. But yeah, if Ember senses that any one of us is hurting, it hurts her too. And you’re clearly hurting.”
I swallow, struggling to choke down my shame. “But I am not in pain. As I just said, at the moment I am more relaxed and happier than I ever remember. I will reassure Ember that I amnotsuffering in any manner.”
“Bullshit.” Ryker tosses a stick into the fire.
Again, Ryker has seen through my lies. I turn toward the two men, who have become friends, almost brothers to me. Never in my adult life had I had relationships like I have with these men.
“I am happy that she—that you two are able to fulfill her needs which I cannot.”
Ryker shakes his head and continues to stare into the fire.
“I’ve been wondering.” Axel breaks a long silence. “What happens when Zuben becomes lambent? If it goes the same way as it did for us, that could be as soon as four or five days.”
“Once I become lambent, I’ll be able to walk in the light, like you and Ryker.”
“You have a real gift for stating the fucking obvious.” Ryker gets up and kicks the edge of the fire with his boot. Sparks rise into the sky.
“I understood your question,” I reply. “And I agree that we should discuss how our lives might change once the three of us are able to walk in the light, but Ember cannot.
“Regardless of our new freedoms,” I say, “we must continue to protect her from whomever was seeking her when she was a child. And, of course, there is still the risk of Octavia’s vengeful nature, as well as the possibility that she, or the keepers of magic who granted Octavia’s powers, might continue to seek Ember.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious.” Ryker drags his boot through the dirt.
“I am not a captain.” I frown at Ryker.
“Never fucking mind.” He shakes his head.
“I do agree that I stated risks which are obvious,” I continue, “but if the solutions to these risks are also obvious, please illuminate me.”
Ryker glances toward me and shrugs. “Touché.”
I still do not fully understand what he’s getting at, or why, but it does not matter. I planned this experiment so carefully, laid out every step, but admit that I did not give much thought to what lies beyond it. Soon, all three of us will be lambent, and our need to remain here, where I can control the variables of our experiment, will cease.
“I know we have bigger things to think about,” Axel says as he turns toward me, “but when will Ryker and I get to take her vein again?”
“Not until one of you burns in the light.”
“No fucking way.” Ryker stands. “If Nora’s right, this lambent thing ispermanent.”
“We will not be able to discoverwhetherit’s permanent, if you take her vein again before burning.”
“Who the fuck cares?” Ryker rolls his eyes.
I resist the urge to respond. Is Ryker really too dense to understand the concept? “I know that feeding from Ember is enjoyable, regardless of the special benefits of sunlight, but I, for one, am willing to sacrifice pleasure for science.”
“Well I, for one, am fuckingnot!” Ryker crosses his arms over his chest.
My eyes narrow as I absorb the pirate’s utter selfishness, but then realize that, as long asoneof us abstains once we’re lambent, we can discover whether or not there is a time limit.
“Fine.” I straighten my back. “I volunteer to be the subject for the longevity portion of this experiment.”
Axel shakes his head, but says nothing, so I consider the matter settled. I abstained from sex for two hundred years, something that only grew difficult once I temporarily broke my vow of celibacy with Ember.
Just as I am currently holding back from sexual pleasure, I can also abstain from taking her vein once I become lambent.
The idea of feeling sunlight on my skin fills me with excitement. Even as I spent centuries researching the Illuminant, I never once imagined that I would everbenefitfrom her powers should she exist. Not personally. Before I met Ember, I did not even fantasize of a life not constrained by the sunrise.
