Page 23 of The Wedding Driver
“Don’t you dare put words in my mouth.” She waggled her finger.
He arched a brow. “I would have some harsh words for me.”
“I’m not going to sit here and judge you. I know the hell your ex-wife has put you through and I have a better understanding why you have so much guilt. That’s a lot to carry around.”
“If I hadn’t gone to see Kathy that night, my little girl would still be alive.”
Tonya’s heart hurt. She understood why he pulled everything back to that one decision. His decision. However, he wasn’t to blame. His indiscretion didn’t cause the fire. “How many times did you catch Victoria asleep on the sofa or in her room with a lit cigarette?”
“Too many times to count and that wasn’t the first time a fire had been started, but that’s not the point.”
“Foster, it’s exactly the point. I know you hate it when people say this, but you’re not to blame.” For years, she had avoided using those words because it got under his skin to the point he’d often tell people that until they lived his life, they had no idea where blame or guilt could be placed. She even once heard him tell a friend to fuck off over it.
“I wasn’t there because I chose to be selfish. That’s a fact that can’t be changed and something that I live with every day. Therapy has helped me understand that I’m not responsible for Victoria’s actions. For her choices. For her addiction. However, no matter how hard I try, I can’t erase that gut-wrenching feeling that all I had to do was not make that one decision.”
Telling him that it wasn’t that simple wasn’t going to ease his pain. She wasn’t sure anything would.
“I’m sorry, Foster. But you’re wrong. I won’t disagree that perhaps you were selfish. Looking back, you could have done things differently, but that doesn’t change the fact that Victoria was a drug addict and she did things that put Lisa in harm’s way.”
“But I shouldn’t have allowed her to be alone—”
“You didn’t. Victoria took Lisa without your permission more than once, right?”
Foster nodded.
“She manipulated babysitters. She snuck out in the middle of the night. And bad things happened right under your nose.” Tonya blinked out a tear. “I know you will always have these emotions. I accept that, but you have to stop drowning in them.”
“I know, but seeing Kathy doesn’t make it easy.”
“Why do you harbor such resentment toward her? I’m sorry if I’m making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, but I was surprised by the venom in your tone.”
“It’s all part of the reasons why I am the way I am, especially in regard to dating.” He lifted her from the seat and guided her toward the sofa. “However, it is a complicated answer.”
“I’m listening.” She tucked her feet under her butt.
“Kathy and I weren’t seeing each other that long. I’d made it clear to her that my daughter would always be my priority. But I got caught up in feeling alive. And like a man again. It was exciting and when she called or texted, my heart raced and I wanted to be with her. The longer the affair lasted, the more risks I took. Part of me wanted to get caught because maybe then I could end my marriage, which both my mother and Victoria’s parents begged me to do. No one believed it was healthy for anyone, including Lisa.”
“Why didn’t you divorce Victoria?”
“Guilt,” he said. “Addiction is a disease. One she doesn’t have control over when she’s using. When we would fight and I’d bring up separating, she’d threaten to kill herself.”
“That’s emotional blackmail.”
Foster nodded. “I know. But then I’d tuck our daughter in at night and think about what it would be like to have to tell her that her mother was dead. It brought tears to my eyes every time. Not to mention how much Lisa loved her mother. There were these moments when Victoria would be somewhat present and would play dolls or board games with Lisa. In those times, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’d tell myself when Lisa was older. When she had developed more and understood more about her mother’s illness. She had already started asking questions. I figured it was only a matter of time. I also was still holding out hope that Victoria would get help. She had periods where she would stay clean, and she would promise me she was going to change. It never lasted.”
A thick lump formed in Tonya’s throat. She couldn’t imagine the hell that Foster lived all those years. And to carry around the burden still today.
“I found some comfort with Kathy and a little normalcy. I cared for her. A lot. She was with me when I got that call. I asked her to stay away from the hospital, but she came anyway. We had a fight in the parking lot. I have no idea how the media never caught wind of our affair, and I will forever be grateful to her for not exposing it, because she could have. She threatened to enough times. I believe she didn’t because of her career and how it could make her look.”
“That makes her a coldhearted person if you believe she wasn’t doing it to protect you and your family.”
“Trust me, that wasn’t on Kathy’s mind. She had a different agenda and making either one of us look bad didn’t fit her plans,” Foster said. “I ended things right there. I told her I could never be with her again. I did say I didn’t blame her. That it wasn’t her fault and that I wanted us to go our separate ways with as little hurt as possible. She wouldn’t accept that answer. She was relentless in her pursuit of me for two years. It got so bad that I threatened to file a restraining order. That’s when she backed off until recently.”
“What do you mean?” Tonya pulled a chunk of hair over her shoulder and twisted it between her fingers. “Have you been talking with her? Or did you have lunch or something?”
“Nothing like that.” He smiled. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re cute when you’re jealous?”
“No. And I’m not,” she said. “Okay. Maybe a little.”
