Page 30 of The Wedding Driver
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“What is it about being with Tonya that you don’t think you can do?”
“The family part,” he said. “I don’t want to have another child. Besides being thirty-seven years old—”
“Hey. I was almost thirty-six when I had Caitlyn and forty-one when Bella was born, so the age thing isn’t really a thing.”
“Did you want more?”
“Not at first,” Jared said. “As a matter of fact, I couldn’t even hold a baby. When Ryan’s brother had a child, and he wanted me to be the godfather, I was mortified and a bit angry. I never wanted to love anyone again. That hurt, but as time went on, I realized I didn’t want to live my life without Ryan and once I accepted that, I wanted the world with her and that included a family.” He waved his hands toward the house. “Had she not cut me off after we had Bella, I would have a couple more, but I wouldn’t change a thing about my life.”
“This is not something I tell people, so I’d appreciate it if we kept it between us.”
“Everything about this conversation is private.”
“Thank you,” Foster said. “After Lisa died and Victoria went to jail, I drank myself into oblivion. Not so much out of depression, but more because I wanted to understand the addiction. I also took some pills. I wanted to know what the romance was between Victoria and the drugs. Anyway, I landed myself in a psyche hold. That’s where I met my therapist.”
“That’s a tough place to be and I’m glad you’re still kicking.”
“Truthfully, so am I,” Foster said. “I never wanted to harm myself. I just wanted to know.”
“Did you learn anything?”
Foster shook his head. “I still don’t understand and I probably never will. However, I’ve spent a few years talking about why I’ve shut myself off from life. The idea of starting over is terrifying and I don’t want to do it. I’ve enjoyed existing. There’s a fair amount of freedom in it. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not responsible to anyone.”
“No offense, man, but isn’t that lonely at times?”
“I didn’t know it was until Tonya opened Pandora’s box.”
Jared laughed. “Yeah. I remember that feeling.” He lifted his leg, resting his ankle on his knee. “Ryan propositioned me when I informed her that I was moving. She wanted a one-night stand. I was floored, but more so, totally tempted and that was an unexpected feeling. I didn’t know I thought of her that way. I mean, I saw her as a woman, but she is ten years younger and I’ve known her since she was two.”
“That’s got to be weird.”
“It was at first, but I got over that real quick,” Jared said. “I kept telling her that I was leaving, and she kept saying she was fine with it.”
“I’ve made it clear to Tonya that I can’t give her what she wants and yet I found myself here last night and I didn’t leave. I don’t know what I’m doing, and while I agree with you that I might be afraid of having my heart broken, I will hate myself when I break hers.”
“That’s a definitive statement.”
“It’s true,” Foster said. “It doesn’t matter how much I care about her, or even if I can get past the long-term commitment thing. I’m never going to want children again.”
“If I haven’t shoved my boot in my mouth yet, I’m going to do it right now.” Jared dropped his foot to the patio with a heavy thud. He shifted his chair and stared at Foster intently. “Is it because you feel like you’ll be replacing Lisa?”
Foster sucked in a deep breath, but no oxygen filled his lungs. It was as if he flew through the air and landed on his back, having the wind knocked out of him.
“I thought so,” Jared said softly, glancing toward the sky. “Johnny was my firstborn. I loved him more than anything. Every year on his birthday, me and my kids go visit his grave. They bring him toys. It breaks my heart they never knew him. It kills me that I never got to watch him grow up or have fights with him over girls or catch him trying to sneak out of the house, like I did the twins last weekend. The little fuckers. I’ve never once tried to replace Johnny. I can’t. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I miss him terribly.” Jared choked on his last few words. “Shit. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to go this deep. I just wanted you to know about my son and that I'm here if you ever wanted to talk.”
“I appreciate that.”
Jared swiped at his eyes. He’d always been a fair and decent man. Even when in uniform, he showed compassion. Last year, when Lake and Tiki were going through their drama, Jared made sure the press and everyone around them gave the couple space. He bent the rules when necessary. No one could ever describe Jared as someone who tossed his weight as a cop around, although Foster wouldn’t want to find himself on the wrong side of the law in his jurisdiction. He’d seen him in action a couple of times, and Jared was badass.
“I kept you long enough and I said way too much,” Jared said.
“No. You’ve given me a lot to think about and not many people understand what I’ve been through. They try, but it’s impossible to wrap your brain around it unless you’ve lived it.”
“No truer words have been spoken.” Jared stood, stretching out his arm. “If you ever need anything, consider this a safe space.”
