Page 45 of The Wedding Driver
Marge smiled. “I am. But humor me in this instance. How do you think you’d feel if you had a child who survived?”
“I don’t know.” He shifted in his seat, adjusting his jeans.
Marge didn’t say anything. She just sat there and stared at him and that drove him crazy. A few long minutes ticked by while she waited for him to dig deep and get real.
“I’d probably love them.”
“So why would having more children be any different?”
He glanced to the ceiling. “I feel like in some ways I’d be betraying Lisa, but mostly I worry I’d resent that kid, and then I’d end up hating its mother. Just thinking about it puts me in a bad headspace.”
“I can understand your fears. What concerns me is how quickly you dismissed the relationship with a woman you have deep feelings for, especially when I know she’s someone that you’ve worked hard to keep in your life.”
“I still want that.”
“What happens, say in a few months, when she’s processed her emotions and starts dating someone? How will you handle that? Or fast-forward and put your head in the space where she gets married and has a family with another man. How are you going to cope with her moving on?”
Foster wanted to climb right out of his pants. His brain didn’t want to conjure up that vision. It hurt his heart. The idea that Tonya would so easily allow another man into her life made Foster crazy jealous.
He didn’t like that feeling.
“I have no idea,” he admitted. “In the last few years, I’ve never seen her date anyone. I know she has, but I’ve been so isolated that it hasn’t been in front of me. But I don’t want to go back to where I’m living under a rock.”
“Well, that’s good news,” Marge said. “However, I think you’re selling yourself and her short. Not wanting to have a child because you just don’t want them or because you’re selfish and are focused on other things, I can accept. But your reasons are based in fear and things that have to do with the past. I’m not belittling your emotions. Far from it. I’m just saying that you haven’t lived enough in the present to know whether it’s something you want or not.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if I spent months with Tonya only to find out I’m never going to change my mind and that’s the truth. The idea of having a child makes my heart race and not in a good way.”
“Did you ever think you’re hurting both of you by not fully allowing yourself to find out where you stand?”
“I did try,” he said.
“A week or so isn’t a relationship. And you allowed Victoria—your past—to dictate what your present would look like. That’s not fair to yourself or Tonya.”
“Are you suggesting that I didn’t do the right thing by calling it off now?” He swallowed the bitter taste that smacked the back of his throat.
“You went from zero to eighty and then slammed on the brakes.” She folded her hands in her lap. “I can’t say one way or the other if having another child is for you. However, as your therapist of six years, you’ve never allowed yourself to explore the real reasons why you don’t want to have one until now. Your fear isn’t unreasonable, but it shouldn’t be what stops you if it’s something you want in your heart.”
“I don’t know if it is.” He turned and stared out the window. “I have no desire to date anyone other than Tonya. There isn’t anyone else out there who has even remotely turned my head. It physically hurts me that I can’t give her what she wants.”
“It’s not that you can’t. You’re choosing not to, and I want you to really dig deep, past your fear, and see if there’s another reason you’re so willing to walk away from a woman who means so much to you.”
“I know why.” He glared. This was the part of therapy he couldn’t stand. “I hate it when you make me repeat myself.”
She wiggled her finger. “Nope. Saying you don’t want to hurt her, while kind, it’s still a cop-out. You’re using her feelings to cover up your real issues and avoid what’s going on in your world.”
He raised his hands and slapped them down on his knees. “Okay. Why don’t you tell me what you think.”
“All right. We can do it this way.” She leaned a little forward. “For a few days you got a taste of what it’s like to feel good again. To live your life and that made you uncomfortable. You’d rather be miserable because you still believe you don’t deserve to be happy. Being with Tonya and possibly having a family would require you to be present and to open your heart not just to others, but to yourself, and that there is the real problem. It makes you feel like you’re forgetting about what happened. What you lost. Dressing it up like you’re being a good guy and protecting everyone else, including a baby that doesn’t exist, is bullshit.”
Ouch.
“You’ve come a long way these last few years and proud of you for opening your heart, but you can’t close it every time Victoria and the past rumble in because it will always be there,” Marge said. “Is there any chance that you and Tonya can try again? Is that something you would be willing to explore?”
“I don’t know how I feel about that. Especially since you’re asking me to make her a guinea pig.”
“You know that’s not true.” Marge tilted her head. “Will you make an appointment to see me next week instead of waiting for our next session to discuss it?”
“You think I’m making a mistake?”
