Page 36 of Exposed
Maybe that’s why this is okay. It’s natural for me to want to be close to my parents.
No, no, no! This is not fucking okay!
“What’s the plan now?” Benji asks. “I ran a few errands while you were testing.” He points at the small pocketknife in the cupholder. “I sharpened it again and made sure you had enough pills in the container.”
My voice is a whisper: “I think he’s my father.”
The car swerves. Benji straightens his steering, then turns to me, his hands still on the wheel, the car moving forward.
“Your father?” He blanches. “You can’t be serious.”
I never admitted it out loud, but I’ve known the possibility we’re related for a long time now. For some reason, I didn’t want Benji to know. I guess I didn’t want to confront what that would mean.
Bile bubbles in my throat. I try to get the words out as fast as I can. “I don’t have DNA proof, but my mother’s physician and psychiatrist were unavailable during her treatment, which means she was solely in the custody of Dr. Ambrose. But if he’s not my father,” I ramble, clinging onto the hope that he’snot,that maybe someone else with similar handwriting wrote the note about me returning, and that maybe my father is out there, someone I can findafterI kill Dr. Ambrose. “Then Dr. Ambrose probably knows who my father is. I just need to ask him a few more questions. In a couple of weeks, I’ll call you, and?—”
“No,” Benji says.
Shock punches my chest. I reel back in my seat. “No?”
“You can’t go back there.” He glances at the road, then back at me. “Damn it, Violet. I’m trying to support you, but if you go back there, I can’t help you anymore. And if he’s your father, then herapedyour mother, like he was hurting you. I saw everything through the mirror?—”
“I liked it,” I blurt. Tears fill my eyes. It’s so messed up, but the truth is ingrained in my flesh. I can’t deny it anymore. “I liked everything he did to me. I didn’t want to like it, but it felt right. And now I’m closer to finding out where I belong, and?—”
“You’re a good person,” Benji pleads. “You need to move on. Let go of this. He’s preying on your need for acceptance?—”
“Preying on me?” I gasp. My entire body reddens, rage bubbling to the surface. “Even if he is preying on me,I’m the one who came to him.I’m the one who wants this!”
The car engine rumbles. Benji faces forward, his brow furrowed, his features twisted in disgust.
“You’re not serious,” he says quietly. “You can’t want this. He was obviously manipulating you.”
“I do want this,” I repeat. “I do want this! I have to. Iwantto. I do!”
“You want to kill him?”
“Yes,” I say, but the word fades like mist.
Benji’s jaw drops. A beat passes. Then his fists grip the steering wheel tighter.
“You’re into him,” he says. “The man who raped and murdered your mother.”
“I can’t help?—”
The car screeches to a halt outside of our apartment. He turns off the engine. A street light illuminates our parking spot in the twilight. Our breathing is erratic, both of us filled with emotions so strong, they’re threatening to boil over.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make sense of it.
But I know I have to go back.
“While you were fucking the doctor, I was out searching for answers,” Benji barks, his voice stern and cold, a side to Benji I haven’t seen before. I rock in place, and he snarls. “Dr. Ambrose told me you might have dug up your mother to fuck her. I didn’t believe him, but her grave was empty, Violet, like you actually dug her up to take her with you!”
Dig up her grave? Why was it empty? Does Dr. Ambrose have something to do with that?
Will Benji leave me because of this?
“I didn’t do that,” I pant. “I swear, Benji. I?—”
“I know.” He rubs a hand over his face. “Dr. Ambrose did it just to mess with our heads, and that should show you how dangerous he is. You’re strong, Violet, and you can kill him if you really want to. But you’re having second thoughts, and that’s not good. I can see it in your eyes.”
