Page 32 of Beyond the Grave
"No!" He grabbed my shoulders and shook me, though not hard. "Will you never listen?"
I wrenched away and his fingers sprang apart. He scrubbed a hand across his chin, over his mouth. I blinked at him, my throat tight, my heart trying to punch a hole through my ribs. "If you think it's for the best, then I'll abide by your wishes."
He nodded, calmer. "Good. Now come inside before it rains again."
He held out his hand for me to go ahead. I gave him a sideways glance, which hurt my eyeballs, and saw that he was looking at me too.
"You don't seem as angry with me now as you were this morning," I hazarded.
"You think I was angry with you for raising Estelle Pearson's spirit." It wasn't a question, but I took it as one.
"Aren't you? You did tell me not to, and I went ahead and did it."
He looked up at the gray sky and let out a breath that almost seemed like a sigh. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I can't be angry with you for that, since I would have done the same thing if I were in your position."
My step faltered. He stopped and caught my elbow, steadying me, then let go. Neither of us continued on. "You…you would have?" I frowned and thrust my hands on my hips. "Then why order me not to?"
"Because there is always the chance that something will go wrong. Aside from the obvious dangers of having a corpse wandering around the city, you cannot afford to have a strike against your name. The committee, especially Gillingham, will seize upon any opportunity to send you away. It's why I haven't wanted you to help look for Buchanan. It's best if you stay at Lichfield, out of trouble."
"Then why involve me in the Captain Jasper affair? Youaskedme to raise Gordon Thackery and scare answers out of Jasper's men."
"And I came to realize that was a mistake, an almost fatal one." His jaw hardened and a muscle in his cheek jumped. "After your abduction, I concluded that I should not have involved you. Not only for your own safety, but because the committee will use Jasper's interest in you to support their argument and send you away. Lady Harcourt admitted as much to me."
I stared at him. It was a relief to hear that he wasn't too angry with me, but this… It was one thing to dismiss any feelings he had for me, but quite another to exclude me from ministry business. I could not be just a maid at Lichfield. Not ever.
The realization struck me as severely as a blow to the body, knocking the breath out of me momentarily. I pressed a hand to my chest. "But I have to help you fix this, Lincoln. I need to find Estelle Pearson and send her back."
"Only you can send her back, that's true, but I will find her and bring her to you."
"No, I have to help. Ihaveto."
"You don't!"
"I would rather risk being sent away than have you face dangers alone because of me. Lincoln, please, if I do nothing…" I shook my head, unsure if I could put into words how I felt. "I won't be able to breathe. I am a necromancer, and I must be allowed to use it to help you or what's the point?"
"This is not open for discussion," he growled, striding off.
I ran after him and caught his elbow. He stopped and did not shake me off, but nor did he look at me. "Stop trying to protect me. You're smothering me. You are not my parent, and I don't need one anyway."
His entire body jerked. "I am not trying to be your parent, I am trying to be your employer, your protector. You are under my—"
"Care. Yes, I know, so you keep reminding me. But I don't want to beunderyour care, Lincoln, I want to be alongside you."
"That's not possible. There's only one leader of the ministry."
"More as an assistant, then."
"I have Gus and Seth to assist me."
I sighed. The conversation had veered in a direction that he wasn't ready to travel down and I wasn't prepared to fight for. Yet. "Let me help you find and return Estelle Pearson. We'll be together, where you can keep an eye on me, and I will only do as you instruct."
"The committee would not want you to be involved," he said, setting off again.
"Since when do you tell them everything?"
He grunted. "I wasn't going to. I was just pointing out that if you want to help, they are not to find out."
"We'll be sure to swear the others to secrecy then." I smiled and almost felt bold enough to slip my hand inside the crook of his arm. Almost.
