Page 33 of I Would Stay Forever
I was aware that Mr. Thompson spoke during that lesson. I knew that he taught us stuff, that he referenced the textbook, and that he wrote something on the board. I was pretty sure I even wrote notes in my own notebook, although when I looked back at them, I was sure I would find that they weren’t helpful in the slightest. Because really, for the whole class, all I could think about was Dean.
Dean sitting next to me.
Dean leaning in to look at my textbook.
My hair brushing Dean’s shoulder—and the way that he seemed to be fighting himself from moving away.
His hand accidentally brushing my bare knee and sending goosebumps all the way up my thigh.
How he stared at the goosebumps that appeared and then at me.
How I just stared back blankly, not really sure what to say.
I’d worn the knee high socks because I felt like they covered up my legs more, but maybe I should have gone for the tights so no part of my skin would actually be bare. How had he managed to touch the one part of my skin that wasn’t covered up?
We went the whole period without having to speak any more to each other, just occasionally pushing or pulling the textbook so we could see photos better. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the hour was up and I could pack up my things. I figured both of our plans would be to get the hell out of there so we didn’t have to make awkward conversations, but Dean surprised me by stepping in my path as I tried to walk off.
Well, actually, he put his arm out and I walked straight into it. I was so surprised by the sudden feeling of his arm against my chest—and the weird flutter in my stomach it caused—that this time I actually did fling myself into the wall like I’d worked sohard not to do earlier. My shoulder hit the wall with a hard thud, but I tried not to let the pain show on my face, lest Dean try to be chivalrous and offer to walk me to the nurse or something.
“Are you okay?” he asked, looking mildly horrified. A couple of people behind him turned to look at me in concern as well, but I didn’t look at them.
“I’m fine,” I said, putting as much pep in my voice as I could manage. It was probably a bigger tip off that Iwasn’tfine, since it was a total one-eighty from how I’d been acting for the whole period, but he didn’t comment on it.
Dean glanced over his shoulder like he was watching out for the people behind us and then leaned in like he was going to tell me a secret. I was sure that he was going to say something about the towel. In fact, I was positive, and I really didn’t want to hear it.
“I’m in a rush,” I said, before he could even get a word out. “To get to my next class. We have this really important lab going on, so…”
A bold-faced lie since I wasn’t even taking a class involving a lab, but he didn’t know that. Besides, it was the only quick excuse I could think of other than that I was going to be sick, and I didn’t think I could use that one twice in a seven-day period.
“Oh, yeah, of course, right.” He avoided my gaze. “I just wanted to check what time we were meeting after school for the project.”
I kicked myself inwardly for acting like such an idiot when really all he wanted to talk about was the project. But he was such an enigma to me—sometimes, I swore I could read his facial expressions better than anyone else’s, and other times, I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
“I’m free right after school,” I said before I could really think about it. But I guess it was better if we did it today. If we pushed it off, we’d just have to do more work another day. Extendingour time on Wednesday wouldn’t work because we would both be going to Sebastian’s soccer match, and I had volleyball every other day. Besides, I’d already told Imogen I could only drive her home later tonight, so it would mess up everyone’s schedules to switch now.
Dean sighed in relief, as if he was sure that I was going to cancel. I guess that wasn’t an absurd thought, all things considered.
“I have P.E. last period,” he said. “Maybe we can meet outside the gym doors and go work on the bleachers?—”
My eyes widened. “The bleachers?”
I’d assumed that we were working in the library, which felt like a safe place to be because pretty much nobody stayed in the library after school. It seemed like a good place to keep this a secret—because that was what this was. I hadn’t gotten the chance to ask Dean why he hadn’t told Sebastian about it or tell him that I hadn’t told Sebastian either, but I guess this meeting would be a good time for it. It just felt like we were trying to keep it hidden, and the bleachers felt very out in the open.
“Does that not work for you?”
“Well…” I dragged the word out, not really sure what to say. What were the chances that Sebastian would be around the football bleachers this time of day? But there was a pretty good chance he would be on the soccer field. I wasn’t sure if he had practice today, but he was so obsessed with soccer that he hung out there even when he wasn’t playing, and the two fields were right next to each other. It would be so easy for him to see us sitting on the bleachers together, which seemed a lot more like a romantic spot than a studying spot, and then the next thing I knew, I’d have Sebastian knocking down my door trying to figure out what exactly I’m doing with his best friend. Or worse, punching Dean out for making moves on me. Neither of those options seemed great.
Sebastian and I had always kept our own friend groups. In the UK, we’d been in different grades, but in Canada, the grade division was based on birth year instead of how old you were at the beginning of the school year, which put us in the same classes for the first time. It was a mostly-unspoken rule between us that we would keep our friend groups separate. There was occasional overlap, like when I’d hang out with him and Dean at block parties or when Paige briefly dated a boy on the soccer team, but overall we’d kept the separation strong. I was scared to see how he might react to this, especially when we’d been so secretive about it.
“The library has air conditioning,” I said. “Don’t you think that would be better for studying?”
It was a lame excuse, but if he hadn’t thought about Sebastian, then I didn’t want him to think about that, to realize that I was thinking about him either. I didn’t want him to think that I was thinking this was more than it was. I knew that it was just a project. I knew that this meant nothing. But you could never be too careful.
Dean looked a little confused by the suggestion. “The library? But it’s so nice out. Don’t you want?—”
“I love the library,” I announced, cutting him off. Truthfully, I barely even knew what the library looked like. We had a project in the ninth grade that required us to prove we knew how to use the cataloguing system, but aside from that I couldn’t remember a single time I’d gone in there. But on the bright side, I was pretty sure Sebastian hadn’t either, making it ideal. “You, me, library, three o’clock. See you then.”
Before he could argue, I pushed past him and out the door. It was only once I was in the hallway that I felt like I could breathe again.
