Page 60 of I Would Stay Forever
I didn’t have my dad, but I did have my best friends. It was something, but I was beginning to fear that it might not be enough.
thirty
I dropped Zoey,Paige, and Molly off at the school, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. Zoey had hovered by me at first, asking with her eyes if I wanted her to stay, but I shook my head, ready to shove her out of the car if I had to. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to her or that I thought she made it worse. The simple fact right now was that I just couldn’t keep up the mask I’d been holding onto every time I was around my friends lately.
My hands stayed on the wheel, engine idling as students swirled around me toward the bleachers in the distance. I could see the field lights already glowing. The game had probably started. Everyone else had something to cheer for, to care about. I should have been out there too. I briefly wondered if Dean was looking up into the crowd searching for me. Then I decided that I couldn’t worry about that when I had every other weight of the world on my shoulders right now.
I couldn’t bring myself to move.
I didn’t know how long I sat there—long enough for the sun to disappear behind the trees, long enough for the buzz of pre-game excitement to fade into silence. At some point, I blinked and realized I was crying—tears streaming quietly, unrelenting,like my body had taken over and I hadn’t even noticed. My lungs ached, my shoulders shook, and my head felt full of static. My mind was so numb it felt like I’d been screaming even though no sound had ever left my mouth.
I need to get out of here.
But what washere? North Glen? The province? The country? How far would I have to run before the pain of Dad and everything he’d done couldn’t reach me?
I just needed abreak. I needed some time away from the pain, away from Dad, away from all the problems taking over my life right now. I couldn’t handle all of this right now. Everything was piling up on top of each other, stacking so precariously that I knew I couldn’t hold it up forever. It would all come crashing down soon enough—or maybe it already had. Seeing Dad at the hospital and then again today had reopened the wounds I’d worked so hard to stitch shut, and now I was left bleeding with no bandages to cover it all up again.
I didn’t even shift into drive consciously—it just happened.
One moment I was staring at the empty passenger seat, the next I was pulling out of the lot and onto the road with no plan. No destination. Just the overwhelming need to go.
Streetlights blurred past. The town faded behind me in the rearview. I passed the bakery with the blue awning where we used to go out for breakfast on the weekends. The park where we used to play tag after school. The intersection where Dad once accidentally ran a red light and laughed when we all screamed.
All of it. So full of memories I didn’t ask to remember.
I kept driving.
When I ran on foot, I could only go so far—I could only ever make it to the end of town before my legs gave out. But I could keep driving forever. I had my wallet and a few changes of clothes in my gym bag, enough to last me a couple of days. I didn’t know where I would sleep, unless it was in the backseat ofthe car and I had no idea what I would do to make more money. But I could figure it out, couldn’t I?
The houses on either side of the street began to thin and buildings gave way to long stretches and trees and open fields. The sky was turning a deep blue as I passed a green sign indicating that I was turning onto the highway, and my stomach twisted.
How far was I really going to take this?
My phone was tucked away in the center console, but I could easily pull it out and set myself a course on my GPS app. I could pick a town with a pretty name and just drive until I reached it. Or maybe I’d be better off heading to the city, blending into the population of downtown Toronto like so many of my friends dreamed of doing in the next few years.
The highway lights flickered by like stars trying to guide me somewhere I didn’t know how to reach. I gripped the wheel harder, blinking through fresh tears, trying to focus.
How far did I need to go before the pain couldn’t find me anymore?
I didn’t know. But I was terrified to find out.
A shaky breath escaped my lips, and I pulled onto the shoulder with a sudden jolt. The gravel crunched beneath my tires as I slowed to a stop. Everything went still. Just the low hum of the engine and my own ragged breathing.
The dashboard lights glowed pale blue. The clock blinked a time I didn’t want to know. I stared out into the darkness beyond the stretch of road, the curve of the trees.
Was I really going to just drive away?
If I kept going, what would be left behind?
School. I would never graduate.
My sisters and brother, who probably had no idea how much I was hurting.
My mum, who had already lost her husband and hadn’t asked for any of this.
The volleyball team, who would have to find a replacement for me before our first game.
Dean.
