Page 67 of I Would Stay Forever
“Will you walk me up?” Imogen asked in a small voice. I blinked in surprise at the request coming from a girl who was normally so independent. For a moment, I was worried that I’d been too harsh in my warnings about Dad and that I should take the words back, but then I decided that it might be better for her to hold on to some of her concerns. It would stop herfrom lowering her guard too much and being crushed if Dad didn’t live up to her expectations of him. It would stop her from becoming like me when I found out the truth, and if that was one thing that I could help her with, I was going to do it.
“Of course,” I said, even though I would rather die than have to face my father again right now. But sacrifices had to be made for my little sister, so I got out of the car and took a deep breath, then linked my arm through hers as we walked up the couple of cement steps to the porch. I let her buzz the correct intercom, flinching when I heard Dad’s voice come through saying that he would be down in a minute. I steeled myself as I stared at the painted wooden door in front of me. It was fine. Everything would be fine. Imogen would walk inside and I wouldn’t even need to speak with him. Everything?—
The door swung open and my father’s frame filled the empty space. Despite having just seen him yesterday, seeing him here—seeing him have a new place to live, with an intercom and a door he answered—made me forget how to breathe in the worst way possible. How could he have a life? How could he move on so easily while it had taken me the better part of two months to scramble around and pick up the pieces?
As I watched him hug Imogen and say that he was so excited to have her over here for the first time, I expected the familiar wave of anger to wash over me, the same one that made me scream at him in the parking lot yesterday. But instead, all I felt was disappointment. I couldn’t even bother being angry anymore, because it took too much energy. Was this what healing felt like? Having every emotion towards the person slowly fade away until you just couldn’t bring yourself to care anymore? I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.
Dad slowly turned to face me with a hesitant look on his face. If yesterday hadn’t happened, I imagined that he would probably be hopeful that I was sticking around, but now I was sure he wasjust wondering why I would bother coming with Imogen when we both knew how much I wanted to avoid him.
“Imogen, why don’t you go inside and get settled?” I suggested with a soft smile in her direction. “I think I need to talk to Dad for a minute.”
Imogen looked unsure as her gaze darted between me and Dad, no doubt wondering what I was going to say to him after everything I’d just said to her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was planning to do, but I knew it was something I didn’t want her to hear. If I had my way, this would probably be the last meaningful conversation he and I had—which meant I couldn’t be censoring my words for the sake of my sister.
“I’ll follow you in a minute,” Dad promised her with an accounting nod. “Just go up the stairs until you get to my flat. It’s unlocked.”
Imogen still didn’t look entirely convinced, and for a moment I wondered if she was not only going to hang back, but even back out of this visit entirely. She certainly seemed nervous enough. I slid my hand back down to hers and squeezed, hoping that she recognized it as the “I’ll support you no matter what” it was meant to be. She squeezed back then stepped across the threshold. Dad put a hand to her shoulder as she stepped by but didn’t turn away from me.
“Is everything okay?” he asked me once she was out of earshot. I took a deep breath and wiped my sweaty hands on the front of my jeans. I supposed it was now or never.
“Yes,” I said, proud of my voice for being so firm instead of shaking the way I felt on the inside. “I just wanted to talk to you after what happened yesterday.”
He took a long breath. “Ah. Yesterday.”
I couldn’t read the reaction well. Was he angry at me for yelling at him in public? Embarrassed that I caught him a second time with his mistress? Maybe a little of both or neither? It wasstrange how only a little time away from him made me feel like I didn’t even know him at all.
“I’m not ready to forgive you,” I said. I hadn’t thought this speech through at all and I was honestly just as surprised as him when the words came out of my mouth, but I didn’t take them back or hesitate to keep going. “I have no desire to rebuild a relationship with you or to know what’s going on in your life. You ruined everything for me by cheating on Mum and there is nothing you can do that will ever make that up to me. That being said…” I gulped and looked over his shoulder at the railing of the stairs. “I won’t let you continue to ruin my life either.”
“It was never my intention to ruin your life, Lavender,” he murmured.
“Maybe not,” I agreed willingly, “but sometimes intentions don’t matter all that much. You made your choice. You choseherover your own family, and honestly, I don’t even want to imagine why. I don’t care. I just wanted you to know that I’m not going to waste the rest of my life hating you. I won’t scratch out your eyes on family photos or try to convince Imogen not to see you. I won’t even scream at you for showing up at big events if she invites you.”
I let my eyes drift back over to him. He looked conflicted, like he wanted to tell me I was being unreasonable but knew he couldn’t. It made me glad he could at least see that he’d lost any authority he once had over me. It was impossible for me to respect him anymore.
“I suppose I appreciate that,” he said, his voice uncertain. It was clear that he wasn’t really sure what his reaction should be.
“But I want to be clear that I expect you to keep your distance from me too,” I continued. He opened his mouth like he was going to argue, so I just barrelled on without giving him a chance. “I don’t want you showing up anywhere near the school again. I don’t want to have to live my life afraid that I’m goingto run into you. I know we’re in the same town, but this is far enough away that we should never have to run into each other accidentally.”
“If Imogen wants me?—”
“She’ll come to you,” I finished for him firmly. “She already knows the rest of us don’t want to see you, and frankly, she clearly doesn’t want the others to know she’s seeing you yet, so she won’t ask you to come near us. And if she does, you can explain why to her. Like I said, if she invites you to her graduation or whatever, I’ll grin and bear it, but I won’t spend every day of my life scared to run into my father.” I took a deep breath. “This is the only way I can learn not to hate you. I hope you can understand.”
He was silent for a long time, staring at me with sad but curious eyes. I kept my face blank, not letting him see anything more than I wanted him to. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking from nerves, but I’d be damned if I let him see any piece of me like that again. He didn’t deserve for me to open up to him.
“Fine,” he said eventually, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure if I had it in myself to argue this point with him, or how I could possibly convince him to keep his distance if he didn’t care about me hating him. “But I do hope you know, Lavender, that just because I’ll keep my distance doesn’t mean you can never talk to me again. I will always be around if and when you need me.”
My insides twisted painfully. He’d said those words to me a million times before, and previously I always believed him. My dad had never given me a reason to doubt him—not until the day he suddenly did. Seeing how easily and callously he could betray his wife brought everything he’d ever said and done for me into question, because how on earth could I know that he wouldn’t do the same to me? Sure, he said he would always be there for me,but was that loyalty forever or only until something new came along to strike his fancy? What if he started a new family with his new woman and had kids who had no idea they were the product of an affair and would love him endlessly? I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t replace me and I refused to put myself in a place where I could be.
He was clearly waiting for a response from me, and maybe if I were a bigger person, I would have given him one, even if it was something as simple as “I won’t need you” or “tell Imogen to call me when she needs a ride home.” It was endlessly impolite to just walk away without a word, and yet that was exactly what I did.
And as I walked back to my car and got in the driver’s seat, refusing to look back to see whether he was watching me go or if he’d turned his back on me as well, I felt a small wave of satisfaction and pride for not giving in.
thirty-three
I watchedthrough my cracked open bedroom door as Dean walked up the stairs, his attention on his phone.
“Dean,” I hissed. He didn’t hear me. I sighed through my nose then opened the door a little farther so I could stick my head out and look around carefully. I didn’t see anybody—no Ainsley, Imogen, or most importantly, Sebastian. I raised my voice to regular speaking volume. “Dean!”
He finally looked up. Surprise flashed across his face, but it was quickly replaced by a huge smile. He glanced over his shoulder to check if anyone was there then ran up the last of the stairs and to my room in no time. He caught my lips in a kiss before I was even able to gasp and we quickly stumbled back into my room. I pulled away from him long enough to close my door as silently as possible, but when I spun around, he was right up in front of me.
