Page 130 of Lourdes & the Mafia
Silly Lourdes. Pendeja Lourdes. Always wearing my heart on my sleeve. Even after I promised it wouldn’t happen, it did.
And there’s nothing in me but regret.
Regret because I don’t know what’s waiting for me tomorrow. I just know that whatever comes, I don’t have nearly enough time with these men that I’ve come to care for.
He wants my sighs, my screams, my body, my love?
I want their everything.
Kane lays at my side, turning his body so he’s pressed up against every single inch of me. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and he throws a leg over me, weighing me down against the bed. Being in his arms settles the chaos of my mind.
“Kane,” I sigh, melting into him. He pulls me closer, as if he could somehow inhale me into his body. “This was…”
“I know.” He sighs, his thumbs tracing circles against my skin. “It feels like I’ve waited a lifetime to touch you.” His voice is soft and lulling. “And now that I have you, I don’t ever want to let you go.”
Tears slide down my cheeks anew and I try not to let them show, though I’m sure he can feel them against his body. He draws me closer, but it feels like it’ll never be close enough.
There’s still so many things I need to say and there’s only so little time I have to say it.
“Kane?” I press close.
“Hmm?” His voice sounds heavy with sleep.
“I love you.”
His body tenses and for a fearful second, I worry I’ve said it too soon. I’m always saying things too soon. Always feeling too deeply, too fast. Like it’s my last day on earth. Like it’s the last chance I’ll have to say anything real.
Maybe it is.
But I can’t imagine going into the enemy’s lair tomorrow without having spoken what I’m feeling in my heart.
Maybe it’s too full.
Maybe he isn’t ready to hear it yet, to know what lives inside my soul. But regardless of how he feels back, I have to say it. To tell the truth.
His body relaxes once more and he pulls away a fraction to stare into my eyes. I’m afraid he’ll see what I’m hiding in a single gaze but all he does is smile. “I don’t know what it is I’m feeling. I don’t know if this is love.” He kisses my forehead. “But I think that maybe it could be.”
Lourdes
I’mafraidtosaygoodbye to them. To fall into their arms and in their beds. I know that if I do, I might not ever leave.
And blood will rain the human lands and stain my fingers. My family will be harmed. And it will all be my fault.
But I can stop it. I can make all of this go away.
So I force myself to leave Kane’s sleeping arms. In sleep, he’s never looked so peaceful, and I almost loathe to leave, but I do it. I pull on a robe and make my way around the castle. I don’t know when I stopped fearing the demons of Castle Death, but some of them greet me as we walk past. I say hello to them as well, my heart pinching at the thought of leaving all of this behind.
The truth is, I’ve even come to care about the demons. I’ve come to care about the Underworld. I’ve become a part of it, and it’s somehow become a part of me.
They’ve become a part of me.
I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I know I have to tell them all how I feel. Not just Kane.
I find Ramiel first.
The music guides me to him.
I hadn’t heard melodies drifting the castle before now, and my entire body all but floats towards the sound.
