Page 132 of Lourdes & the Mafia
The endearment on his lips makes the heartbreak all the more prominent somehow. I sniffle, bringing my hands up to wipe away the tears.
He turns in the seat of the piano. “Are you alright?”
I sniffle again. “That was beautiful.”
He smiles softly and holds out his hands in invitation.
I go willingly, embracing him. He sets me on his lap and I turn in his hold, my legs wrapping around his waist.
His hand pushes aside the curls from my cheeks and neck and the smile he gifts me doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I hold onto his shoulders, leaning forward so our foreheads are touching.
“What’s wrong?”
His lips twitch and the warmth of his breath blows across my mouth. “I’m supposed to be asking you that, vidente.”
My nails dig into his shoulders. “You carry too much weight, Rami,” I say, using Lorenzo’s endearment for him. “Let others help you carry the burden.”
The moment the words are out of my mouth I start to feel a sliver of regret. I’ve brought trouble to the Underworld. I’ve contributed to the weight on his shoulders. Even if he gladly took it, even if he gladly wanted to take care of my problems for me, I could have helped more. And I intend to do that now.
“I was alone for so long in the Underworld,” he whispers, his voice haunting. “I had to scavenge and learn to stand on my own.”
I lean into him. “I know. I saw.”
“Then you know… you know I love my brothers.”
I do know. I felt it in the vision, in something that felt a lot like his memories. The reverence he holds for each of them. The way, when he saw them for the first time, that bone-aching loneliness disappeared and was replaced with love.
“I know that.” I observe the pained lines of his face. “Dothey?”
His eyes dart away before they turn back to me. “Kane doesn’t.”
I think of Kane, lying peacefully in his bed. The desperation in which he took me, the need in which he confessed everything and touched me and held me.
“Did something happen?”
He looks so tortured, and the thought of leaving him in this state, with the brothers fighting and angry with one another, doesn’t sit well with me. I have this aching need to fix things between them before they fall apart. Because when I leave, I know they will fall apart.
Right before they try to burn the world down.
“He thinks I went to see Thuriel on my own on purpose. That I don’t trust them because they are not my blood brothers. At least not like Thuriel is my blood brother. He was… angry. Offended. In a way I have never seen him before.”
Oh, Kane.
It all makes so much more sense to me now. I understand his emotions. There was a time when I myself lived something similar.
“You have a tendency to try and do things on your own, and it makes him doubt his place at your side.”
Ramiel shifts beneath me, like my words make him uncomfortable. “But he is my brother.”
“Maybe he feels like he only became your brother out of necessity. That the forced proximity is the only reason you tolerate him and Lorenzo.” I cock my head to the side. “I wonder if that’s why he feels he has to be the cruelest. Why he obeys. Why he feels he has to earn your favor.”
Ramiel’s dark eyes seem to light up with understanding. He sighs. “We do not really speak of emotions. At least, Kane and I do not. Lorenzo is another beast entirely, being the Lord of Lament.”
“Talking about emotions is hard. Just like it’s hard to try and find your place in this world or in someone’s life.” I press my palm to his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart. “I’ve been in that position. I’ve felt like I was just a nuisance to others. Like I was only there because there was no other choice or no one else to take me in. My family made me feel that way. Dimas and so many other exes did as well. It wasn’t until…” I shake my head. “It wasn’t until I came here and lived amongst you that I felt like I really did belong somewhere. Sometimes, we just need a little reassurance. I think that’s what Kane wants. To know you trust him and love him.”
To know he’s loved at all.
I remember the way his body leaned into mine when I confessed those words to him. Like he’d lived and waited his entire long lifetime to finally hear someone say something like that to him.
