Page 71 of Lourdes & the Mafia
But I want you.
A contradiction if I ever heard one, but I know I want to be handled by him. To be taught a lesson. Tortured. I want his invisible hands pressing against my body from many directions. Wrapped around my throat, slipping up my thighs.
I want that fantasy to come to life; of being tied up, played with. There is something primal about it, something I want to explore on a deeper level.
Maybe it’s something I need to explore with someone I trust. Someone like Lorenzo. But as I try to picture him dominating me like I know Kane would, I can’t. But Kane? He would give me exactly what I needed.
An outlet for frustrating thoughts. Control of a frustrating situation. I feel like I’ve been so focused on trying to be powerful and independent that I forgot what it means to be vulnerable. But I feel that when I’m with him. I feel… delicate. The reality of my own mortality staring me in the face as he wrapped his magic around my throat.
I want more of that.
“Do what again?” he finally manages to speak, though his voice is choked.
“Tie me up,” I tell him, taking a step forward. “Restrain me.”
His expression hardens. “No.”
I try not to feel hurt at the dismissive way he says it. “You had no problem doing it to me just now.”
“Because I thought—” He breaks off, snarling with frustration. “Are you joking with me right now, Lourdes?”
“I am not.”
His eyes narrow. “Why don’t I believe you?”
My face warms. He’s going to force me to explain. Fine. I have no problem asking for what I want. “You’re infuriating,” I tell him.
“So are you.”
“But, I liked being restrained by you.”
There’s a beat of silence as he seems to soak up the words. “I cannot touch you.”
I don’t ask about that, not because I’m not curious, but because I have a feeling that not even he knows what that’s all about. It also seems to be a source of insecurity for him, judging by the way he got angry and snapped at me down by the bar.
“So, don’t touch me. Use your magic.”
“Why?” he demands. “Why do you want that?”
“It felt… freeing… I don’t know, I liked the way it felt.”
He contemplates me a moment and finally says, “I can’t give you my cock.”
“You don’t have to.”
He frowns.
“This… it isn’t about sex for me, okay? It’s about…” I bite my lip, taking a breath. “I guess I had an epiphany, you could say, just now. It’s about letting someone else make the decisions for me. It’s been a hard past couple of months, okay? I feel like I need the control. Or lack thereof.” I give him a pointed look. “And it seems like you could use the control, too.”
He looks at me as if I spit in his face. “I need nothing.”
My brows raise. “Really? You don’t need to control me? It looked to me like you did.”
He huffs, though he doesn’t deny it. “There would be rules?”
“Of course.” My heart beats faster. I can’t believe he seems to be agreeing to this. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t know, and I don’t care, either. Lorenzo’s words come back to me, telling me that being independent doesn’t mean being alone.
It means leaning on others.
