Page 121 of Vying Girls
‘I’m not playing,’ she says, quietly and firmly. She follows me to the door, skipping to catch up with my longer steps. ‘Please don’t get mad. We were having a good time tonight.’
‘We were. So leave it.’
I can tell she hasn’t though, even as we move silently through the forest. I hear the cogs moving, her thoughts so loud she might as well be shouting.
‘What if,’ she begins, breathless from chasing me, ‘what if this whole time—’
‘Tilda—’
‘Well, what if it’s all been leading us here. What if—’
‘Don’t.’I whirl round, forcing her to stop.‘There’s nothing going on here. No serendipity. Nomagic.It’s all just acoincidence. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t disappoint yourself.’
Tilda searches my eyes. ‘I don’t think you believe that. You’re just…’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know! Clearly angry. In a misdirected way. Everything that’s happened…Nic, we were both just fucking kids. We were victims. Both of us. And I think we still are. I still feel like I’m to blame for everything, you still haven’t come to terms with what your dad did.’
‘Don’t fucking talk about him.’
‘See, this is what I mean. It’s not healthy, believing this story you’re telling yourself. It’s not the truth. He did do what I said he did.He did.’
‘How do you know? Like you said, we were kids.’
‘My mum—’
‘She lied to you once. Haz told me, that your mum said Dad went to prison.’
‘Well—maybe she thought he did. Maybe she didn’t know—’
‘She knew, Tilda. Fuck’s sake. She might have been a useless mother, but I was there that day too. I know the police were involved. Of course she knew how Dad ended up. So maybe it’syouwho doesn’t know the true story.’
Tilda sighs, looking off. ‘We’re just going around in circles.’
‘Then let’s fucking stop.’ I close my eyes and take a breath, thinking past my hammering heart, the anger threatening to erupt. ‘Just today…let’s stop.’
Tilda’s watching me when I open my eyes. She gives a slow nod and then whispers, ‘Can we pretend we’re eight again?’
I smile thinly. ‘What, when you hated me being around? When you screamed every time I touched your stuff? When you’d hold your breath until you almost passed out whenever you didn’t get your way?’
She rolls her eyes.‘Fine.Nine, then. I was used to you by then.’
I give a small nod. ‘Nine it is.’
Tilda yawns beside me, kicking up mulch with her boots, heedless of the dirt dusting the hem of her dress. ‘What are we doing?’
‘Shut up. I’m thinking.’ I arc my phone around, frowning through the foggy trees. Swear this place becomes something else at night. Where the fuck is it?
‘Lost your tent?’
‘No. I’m not that dumb.’ I spot a light through the trees, a satisfied smile tugging at my lips. ‘Come on.’
Tilda follows, shivering silently now. ‘What’s that?’ she asks, eyeing the large plastic container, the bright light inside it.
I flick my head to it. ‘Come look. You like moths, right?’
Tilda approaches cautiously, watching as I sift through the eggboxes, triggering the manic flutter of tiny wings.
