Page 173 of Vying Girls
With a hesitant nod, I get up.
Tilda’s by the window, looking out into the garden. She turns her head when I enter.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey,’ she whispers, her voice so uncertain, so fearful of my constant attacks that suddenly this small kindness for Elly and her family feels like nothing.
Because Tilda’s still hurting, because I’m still hurting her.
‘Did Haz tell you that it wasn’t me who told coach?’ she asks quietly, turning to me fully, agitating her own fingers for comfort.
I nod, attempting a small, alleviating smile. ‘Yeah. She did.’
The change in Tilda is immediate. Her energy lightens, her smile turning her eyes into glowing emeralds, and suddenly I can’t fuckingbreathe.I try to draw in air around this swelling in my heart. She’s so beautiful. So pretty it hurts, backlit by the evening sunlight. But the hurting’s the good type. I feel alive. Real. A human capable of feeling. Like I’ve gained consciousness in all of a second.
The air puffs from my lungs when she launches herself at me. I stiffen in her arms before cautiously holding her back. My palms tingle, wildfire erupting along my skin.
‘That was so kind,’ she whispers into my chest. ‘Thank you so much for doing that. I know Elly’s chuffed deep down.’
I nod, unable to speak. Jesus, maybe this is what a heart attack feels like. Maybe it’s all too late for me. My arms tighten reflexively, the thought that I’ve run out of time dousing me like glacier water.
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumble, so quiet I’m not sure she can even hear.
She must do though, her arms giving me a squeeze before she pulls back.
Smiling shyly, she asks, ‘So, what now? Are you sticking around?’
I hesitate. ‘Better not. Can’t leave Haz alone for too long.’
Tilda grins. ‘True. Bet she’s being crawling the walls alone.’
I huff at the accuracy of that, making my way back into the lounge to say my goodbyes.
Elly’s nan hugs me for a long time, rocking me side to side until a chuckle escapes me. She’s not said yes yet, but just the offer seems to be enough for now.
After I’ve said bye to the rest of them, I take a breath and turn to Tilda. ‘Can I talk to you outside a sec?’
She nods, following me as I put on my shoes and leave through the door. I’m more than just tingling with awareness now. There’s this desperation inside, making me want to claw to her. I don’t want to leave like this. There’s too much I need to say—to do. There’s just too much.
She closes the door behind us. ‘Hey, are you okay—?’
Cupping her cheeks, I crush our lips together. Not even a surprised gasp escapes her as she threads her arms around me, almost like she’s been waiting for this this whole time.
And I suppose she has. After that night in my room, all the other times before then. She’s always wanted this. And judging by this lava in my veins, so have I.
She moves back, pressing herself to the door and taking me with her. This close, she’s so small, so delicate in my hands. It makes me want to weep for how cruel I’ve been.
Despite the ticking time, the faces that could be pressed against the windows, I don’t draw back. Reality has no place in this weird in between. This isn’t our world. We’re both just visitors, thrown out of our usual orbits. It’s not now that matters, but when we’re back on Hazelhurst. That’s when the real work begins.
Tilda holds me just as desperately, taking everything like a dying man in a desert. There’s a stark distrust in her actions. She doesn’t know the promises I’ve made. To her, this could be the last nice thing I give her.
After an eternity, I draw away, pressing my forehead to hers. ‘Yeah,’ I breathe. ‘I’m okay.’
Tilda lets out a gust of laughter. ‘That was, um, literally the last thing I expected.’
I smile thinly. ‘But not unwanted?’
‘Not on my end. Never know with yours though.’
