Page 46 of Vying Girls
‘Yeah, dude, I know. I don’t want to fuck it up either.’
‘It’s not just that.’ I release a breath, trying to organise the chaotic mess in my head. ‘I liked it when it was just a game. I like games. No cheating or leading anyone on or any of that shit, but—I mean, come on, you know how I’ve always been.’
‘Sure. Fuck and chuck but as long as they’ve read the T&Cs.’
‘Well, shit, sorry for havingsomemorals.’
‘Debatable, that.’
‘Whatever. So, Tilda comes along. Pretty. Hot. Straight as the day is long.’
‘Safe,’ Elly says, and bless her for getting what I’m trying to say right away.
‘Yeah. Safe. A fun bet.Maybea dicking down if we’re lucky. Just to shut us up.’
‘And then you caught feelings,’ she sings, making me want to deck her one.
I fidget on the bench, anger brewing under my skin.
That’s not even half of it. Yeah, I’ve gotfeelings.Feelings like I want to grab tight to Tilda and never let go, that scary sensation of wanting to squeeze her so fucking tight that we both break. The constant fear that I’m going to do something to fuck it all up.
Except that’s not just it either. It’s the fear ofnotdoing something and still fucking up. That just being with me isn’t enough. Or it’s too much, scaring her off completely.
Sex with Tilda… It wouldn’t just be a fun slapping of bodies, both of us getting our rocks off. It would be something all-consuming. Irreversible. There would be no going back.
At least not for me.
And until I’m sure she’s ready for all of that, for all that I am, I just fuckingcan’t.
To Elly, I simply say, ‘I just don’t think she’d like sex with me. Don’t think I could control myself.’
Elly looks at me. ‘You’d hurt her?’
‘No.’ I purse my lips. ‘Maybe. If she wanted. I more mean I just wouldn’t hold back.Couldn’t.’
‘And, what, you think she wouldn’t like that?’
‘That’s what I’m asking myself. What if, afterwards, you know? She decides she doesn’t want it. Doesn’t want me.’
Elly continues staring, chest heaving with suppressed laughter. It comes out as a raspberry she tries unsuccessfully to smother. ‘Fucking hell, Haz.’
Rolling my eyes, I push her away. ‘Piss off.’
‘Didn’t know you had it in you.’
‘Yeah.’ I sigh, wearily scrubbing my face. ‘Me neither.’
‘You know what I think? I think you’re overthinking everything. Never thought I’d say that about you, but maybe that’s what Tilda sees in you. She does that too. Needs some reassurance every now and then. Which I’m happy to give. Just play it by ear, Haz. Literally no need to rush.’ A sly smile comes to her face. ‘Besides, the buildup will be worth it. She’s so hot, man. The sounds she makes.’
‘I know what sounds she fucking makes.’
Elly’s eyes turn accusing. ‘Yeah, she told me about those pervy nights of yours. She, um, also asked about us sharing the other day.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Up for it if we are. At some point.’
I give a tight nod. Dangerous visual when she’s just over there, ass splayed over a bench, and my body still pulsing from my workout.
