Page 42 of Don't Leave
But you know what?
We’re doing it and we’re getting through it.
It’s what makes me realize that if I want our relationship to heal, I need to be honest with him. I can’t just tell him what he wants to hear. That won’t help the situation. If this past year of therapy has taught me anything, it’s that you need to be open and honest about what you’re feeling and not just gloss over it because it’s the easiest thing to do. Or makes the people around you more comfortable.
“In the beginning, I played hockey because you loved it so much and I enjoyed when we spent time together…just the two of us.”
Anguish flickers across his face as he runs a hand through his hair. “You played all these years because of me?”
I shake my head. “No, I played because I fell in love with the game but I also liked that it was something we had in common. I liked when we were off on our own.” Years of tournament weekends roll through my head. The muscle car shows we were able to drop in on. Spending time out on the ice with him. Having him coach my teams when I was younger. My dad was always tough but fair, and he pushed me to be my best. To giveone hundred percent. Again, it hits me that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this man pushing me to excel.
He expected excellence and I gave it to him until I left for college. Then, unable to hold it together, I cracked under the pressure and fell apart. In the end, all my dad had wanted was the best for me. And I had wanted the best for myself as well. I guess neither of us realized that funneling every ounce of energy into hockey wasn’t the way to achieve it.
“Maybe I pushed too hard with all the dry land practices and private skating lessons.” His eyes search mine for answers.
The question has my shoulders slumping because there’s no other way to answer but truthfully. I take another deep breath as I attempt to word my response just right. I want him to understand how I feel, but don’t need to bash him over the head with it.
“My life revolved around hockey to the exclusion of everything else.” When his facial expression doesn’t change, I continue. “I didn’t realize what I was giving up until it was too late. I wish there’d been more of a balance. Friends, other activities, parties. A social life. Sometimes it feels like I missed out on all the normal kid stuff because I’d been too wrapped up in hockey.”
When I finally run out of steam, I realize that the air has become clogged in my throat as I wait for his reaction. Instead of getting angry, he surprises me by agreeing with everything I’ve said.
“I suppose I’d wanted you to succeed where I had failed. You were so good at such a young age. It was obvious to everyone that you were talented with unlimited potential.” He jerks his shoulders. “I’d wanted you to have it all. Every advantage. It never occurred to me that you were missing out on growing up. I’m sorry for that. And for pushing you so hard.” There’s a beat ofsilence before he adds, “For what it’s worth, I enjoyed spending time with you too.”
As I open my mouth to respond, our waitress arrives with our food. After she disappears, all I can do is stare at the burger and fries on my plate as his words churn in my head. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect for us to have such a candid conversation about the past. But here we are, doing exactly that. And it feels good.
My mind tumbles back through the years, looking at all the mistakes I made and what I could have done differently. The thing is, if that had happened, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.
At Western.
With Cole.
Any other decision would have altered the course of my life.
There’s nothing I can say to argue those words in my head.
In a twisted way, my failure brought me to Cole. No matter how difficult everything was to get through, I can’t bring myself to regret it. If I hadn’t failed out of Dartmouth, I never would have decided to attend Western.
When I’m halfway through my burger, I say, “What’s done is done. No matter how much I wish I could go back and make different decisions, I can’t. I have to live with what happened and move on the best I can. And that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do.” Dr. Thompson’s words echo throughout my head, and I can’t help but repeat them. “What I’ve tried to do is learn from my mistakes. I’m happy to be playing on an intramural team.” Quietly, I admit, “It’s nice not having the pressure of a Division I program hanging over my head. Hockey has become fun again.”
He nods. “I want you to know that you don’t have to play if you don’t want to.” He shifts on his seat before adding, “I love you foryou, not because you play hockey like I did.”
The first genuine smile of the evening flits across my face. “I’m playing for me right now and I’m enjoying it. I like the girls on my team, and I don’t want to quit.”
His expression matches mine. “Good.” There’s a pause before he asks, “You wouldn’t mind if I catch a few more games this season, would you?”
I beam. I’ve always enjoyed having my dad in the stands cheering me on. “I would really love that.”
CHAPTER 14
CASSIDY
Itrudge through the dorm hallway and am about to slide my key in the lock when I hear shouting from the other side of the door. I lean a bit closer, trying to hear what’s going on because honestly, I’m not in the mood to stumble into some huge ass drama.
Just as I consider backing away, the door is ripped open, and I come face-to-face with Austin. With a scowl, he grunts something that might be aheyorhibefore stalking past me. I watch him retreat down the hall before my wide gaze swings to Brooklyn, who wears a similar expression.
Kind of like his and hers matching sweater.
Except scowls.
