Page 169 of Nemesync
“He just needed me like one of his soldiers but with less recognition,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
I ran my fingers through her black strands gently. “Milaya, you’re so much more than he ever realized. He’s just stupid for not seeing the heaven that you are.”
She looked at me, a mixture of misery and longing in her pretty amber eyes. “I don’t know if I can ever be free from my own head, from everything.”
I gently cupped her face, losing myself in her, “We’ll create our own story. I’m going to treasure you, not overlook you.”
She whispered in a small breath, “But Elijah...”
“I’ll be the one to show you what true devotion means. I’m okay Zanae, you don’t need to worry about me.”
Her gaze full of remorse and resentment, worries all over her beautiful features.
Even the life in her eyes was dying.
My heart felt so fucking heavy seeing her like that, even more than the bullet lodged in my flesh.
It hurts—it never hurts that much. Not when I slept next to my mother’s picture of her dead body, not when I cried receiving the first gift, a long lock of her hair. Not when I almost died.
Nothing hurts more than her suffering.
“Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head,Milaya.”
She looked at me, tears gathering in those eyes, and shook her head.
“Tell me,” I insisted, my hand gently cupping her tear-stained red-cheeks, urging her to meet my gaze.
She sighed, her small hands covering her eyes in frustration. “Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning. And I don’t want to talk to you about that, I don’t want to feel weak if I admit how I truly feel. I’m frustrated and so fucking angry because I can’t change anything. I see your gaze sometimes Elijah, I want to take your pain away but then I remember that I can’t, I don’t have the space to do so!”
My hand gently stroked her skin as I listened silently, my heart breaking with each word she spoke.
“It’s everything, I don’t have anyone now, they’re all gone or never existed, my mother abandoned us, and Luna too... she’s gone, I even lost myself, Elijah. And now that I have you, I’m terrified of losing you. I don’t understand why I’m trying so hard when it’s not working, nothing is fucking working!”
Her voice cracked, tears streaming down her cheeks, and my heart ached, crying out and screaming for me to take her pain away.
My beautiful Zanae, my own salvation in this world.
“What else, baby. Talk to me. Let go of everything.”
She continued shaking her head, trying to quiet the chaos in her head.
“I can’t.”
“Zanae. Tell me!”
Her body shook with torment, each sob raw and guttural, followed by her harsh, rasping breaths.
Her voice cracked, trembling with despair and fury. “I’LL NEVER HEAL! HER DEATH KILLED ME ELIJAH! SHE KILLED ME!!”
I tried to contain her, to hold her close, but tears continued to streak down her flushed cheeks.Agony. “Shh, that’s it, show me your pain, show me.”
Gradually, she started to collapse into me, and continued. “I feel like I’m being egoistic because I try to heal. When I’m with you I feel like I took a chance she never had, and I feel guilty about that. It’s too much, I feel like I can’t take it. I’m not strong enough for everything and he almost took you from me, Elijah, I don’t think I could’ve taken it if something happened to you.”
I listened in silence, witnessing the despair in her eyes.
When she spoke about Luna, I couldn’t help but remember the pain of losing someone, that overwhelming sensation as if your heart is tearing and shattering into countless small pieces, leaving only this enormous gaping hole of sorrows.
That sensation when the broken pieces cut through the last drop of life and hope left in your bones.
