Page 175 of Nemesync
Ben shook his head and threw a pillow on Niko’s face. “Don’t say that, you know damn well that you’re just going to annoy the shit of everyone for your last day on earth, and maybe learn to dance at a strip bar.”
A laugh reverberated in my chest while Zanae snuggled more against me, hiding her head to laugh.
“I wouldn’t do that, you bastard.” Niko answered by throwing back the round pillow. “But I’ll annoy the shit of Little Z because she’s been a real pain in my ass these last few weeks with those library excursions she makes me do,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows at my girl.
I threw him a cold glance and said, “You’ll continue going with her as long as she wants to, even if I don’t understand why she wants you to be here.”
“He’s good company sometimes and so I tried to introduce him to books so we could listen to some audio in the car,” my beautiful Zanae said.
Benny clapped his hands. “Please don’t stop, Zee. I’m tired of spending time with Niko, he’s illiterate sometimes.”
She nodded and smiled at me.
Life finally returned in those eyes I would die for.
34
ZANAE
This little day was perfect, and even with that, this feeling in me didn’t go away.
The guilt, the lingering pain—it all weighs me down.
The feeling that, even if things improve around me, it doesn’t get better inside.
Why can’t I move on? It’s like the shattered pieces in me cut through from time to time. And it’s fucking painful.
I feel home here, with them, with Elijah. But even if it’s my home I still feel like my spirit will never be unbroken.
I feel myself dissociating again.
The sky was dark, full of clouds just like my mind. Blurry and sad.
Elijah noticed the flush in my cheeks from the wine and sensed my detachment. His fingers gently traced my cheek, his voice low and soft, “Feeling better?”
Wrapped in the warmth of his presence, I responded with a soft smile, “Much better, especially with you around.”
It’s true, I’m not ready to let go because of him. Even if I can’t shake this feeling away, I don’t want him to worry. I want tofeelhim, especially when I’m not in my thoughts.
The other two, engrossed in their own conversation, glanced over us.
Niko grinned and nudged Ben, remarking, “Look at these two. I might cry.”
“He’s just such a softie around her,” Benny added.
Elijah smirked at his two friends. “Don’t let appearances fool you. I can be soft when it counts.”
With my hand in his, I interjected, “He’s not at all. But it’s a secret between him and I.”
I want to tell them how sorry I am to be this weak even if they do everything to prove me different. I’m not okay but I want them to believe that they’re doing good, because they are, it’s just me. I’m not strong enough and with everything that happened these days it’s just worse.
The worst thing with depression and depersonalization is that you’re alone in this battle.
You cannot explain to others how it’s pure chaos inside your own head, because some of them might just tell you that it’s going to pass and that it’s just temporary.
But the reality is that it’s always here.
I’m always fighting as hard as I can against my own self, against that turmoil, that miserable way of thinking, the failure that comes with it every time I lose myself in my mind.
