Page 245 of Nemesync
“Because I can’t let you go, Zanae.”
My gaze locked with his, and I was bewildered by how and why someone could love me when I couldn’t even love myself. “How?”
He cupped my face between his hands and smiled softly. “Zanae, now that I’ve tasted life with you, how can I not love you?”
His gaze met mine, and in that moment, words felt unnecessary.
My hand reached out, finding his. I gently squeezed his hand on my cheek. “Thank you.”
He leaned in, his forehead pressing against mine. “You’re here. That’s all that matters.” He pressed a tender kiss to my lips, “Don’t you dare leave me.”
My heart filled with more guilt.
I wanted to fight for him. I didn’t want to leave him, but I didn’t control everything.
Elijah didn’t laugh, nor smile, he was completely serious. “I felt it, Zanae. When you were unconscious—it chilled me to the fucking bone.”
I softly looked at him and pointed it at his heart. “I’ll always be there, no matter what.”
He nodded and kissed my hand slowly as if he found both agony and redemption at each brush of his lips on my skin. “It’s not enough, I need to feel you. You don’t understand the length of my commitment to you, Zanae. When I thought I was losing you, my heart went entirely cold. But the moment I saw your eyes open again, it felt warmer and less painful. You have all the control over my soul, Zanae. You’re the essence of it.”
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
He didn’t wait; he leaned in and kissed me.
His lips were my own life anchor in this world, but when we broke apart, I spoke the words I had never felt the need to express before. “I love you, Elijah. I don’t know how to love myself, but loving you is so much easier.” I took a deep breath and continued, “You’re as vital as my own breath. You’re in every aspect of my existence, in every reflection, dream and nightmare. My heart is yours, and I want you to understand the depth of what I feel. It’s not a one-way thing; I’m with you in this, I’ll always be, no matter what.”
No matter what…
He looked deep into my eyes, searching for any hint of uncertainty, but there was none. In fact, it was the only certain thing in my mind.
I begged a long time ago for salvation, for an end, some help. But it never came from the God I implored and pleaded to.
But Elijah Volkov gave it to me—peace,life. As long as I was his, he would always give it to me.
The Devil showed me heaven when I sought mercy. He granted it upon me in a rain of kisses, touches, painful pleasure,and love. I searched for flames to purify me, and he offered them to keep me warm when my mind was too cold.
My fallen Angel loved every dark part of my psyche.
Even when I couldn’t do the same.
He took my hand and placed it on his heart, then he whispered, “You deserve so many beautiful things, Zanae.”
“How... how are you still so sure about that?” I asked genuinely, and it felt just like I was questioning it for my own sake.
“Because you are the most beautiful human inside and out I’ve ever met.” His lips brushed against the contours of my neck, gently,lovingly. “My soul found you the day yours came to life. It fell in love with yours before I even had the chance,” he whispered. Then, pressing his lips tenderly against mine, he added, “We were meant to be together, Zanae. In every lifetime, it’s always going to be you and me.”
“You and I, always,” I breathed.
Him and me. In every lifetime.Always.
I’ve never felt weaker than when grappling with my own soul.
Elijah stuck by my side, never leaving, even when I couldn’t find words for two whole fucking days. Lost in my own head, I felt this emptiness that only lifted when I was with him.
But it’s not enough.
Nothing is fucking enough.
