Page 255 of Nemesync
I fell apart, long ago, trying to be happy, to find it with them, and I touched it, I saw that happiness but then the voices told me I didn’t deserve it.
And I finally believe them.
I put on my favorite shirt, still carrying the scent of Elijah, and text him,
Me
Thank you for showing me how life can be beautiful, even when you’re broken. I love you with all my soul and spirit, Elijah Volkov.
Turning on the tap, the frigid water starts to fill the bathtub. My feet touch the coldness first, then my whole body is quickly submerged under it.
I’m freezing, but it’s calming.
I can’t feel anything. My body is numb, and my head is so full that it feels almost empty.
A razor blade sits beside me, silently waiting and even judging me for being weak.
But the chaos is deafening, and the emptiness is suffocating.
I’m too tired. Too broken. Toodead.
“What did you do, Luna, when you were in the same position? Should I pray for some kind of miracle?”
You should.
I think it’s better this way for my Elijah.
And it’s better for me. Because the pain, the guilt, it’s too much. It’s too real. The whispers in my head never stopped reminding me of all the things I’ve done wrong, all the people I’ve hurt.
I can’t anymore. I need relief, I need to end this.
It was never about wanting to die; and always about needing the pain to stop.
A desperate deafening cry reverberates within me, a tormented plea to find silence and peace again, a cry so loud, but only in my head, only in this hell.
I can’t let it out, I try to, but I can’t.
My demons must be happy now; they’ve finally won.
I think of Lukas, how he tore my heart apart that night, leaving it throbbing with pain.
Luna showed me how a shattered heart can shatter further.
Everything came rushing back.
My father’s attempt on my life, my mother’s disdain.
In the blink of an eye, I lost everything—body, soul, and soon after, my heart.
I think about that green forest, the one that intrigued me and showed me pieces of myself I didn’t even know existed still.
I just wanted to live and breathe without feeling drained and breathless. I wanted to survive, but the energy to keep going slept away.
With trembling hands, I pick up the blade, tracing it slowly and painfully along the existing scars—two incisions.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
The blood tinges the water red, I smile, remembering that red is Elijah’s favorite color.
