Page 264 of Nemesync
I love this woman more than the fucking depths of the ocean, more than the roots love the earth beneath.
I was breathing again, after so long; the air finally felt sufficient in my lungs because she was here to share it with me.
“You saved me.”
I was lost in her, lost in the depths of her eyes, trying to understand the profound pain she’s going through. “You’re here now.”
She took my hand and placed it against her cheek, weakly, slowly but she did it and in her other hand she slowly took Niko’s.
Tears running endlessly on her soft skin, she repeated the same words, over and over again, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
46
ELIJAH
In the days that followed, Zanae regained energy. She was still mostly very silent but chuckled at some of Niko’s jokes. Her flame was dim, but reviving it became my only goal.
I was always there, her shadow, that constant presence by her side.
I didn’t rush her, but I told her that I loved her and that I would always be there even if she didn’t want to talk. I wanted her to have space to recover, but I didn’t want her to be alone.
Niko, too, played his part, trying to make sure that she felt surrounded by those who cared deeply for her. He did everything to uplift her, make her smile, and bring a bit more positivity into her life.
But she was still lost in her thoughts most of the time. She would give us a few smiles at times, but it was clear that she needed space to stop thinking about all of this, and to see that she still had time to live her beautiful life that she deserved more than anyone I know.
The hospital room became our new home for the past weeks, a place where she slowly began to open up about the reasons that led her to do this.
Every word she uttered felt like a fucking stab in my heart.
That day, Niko had fallen asleep in the chair beside her. Only she and I were awake. I sneaked into her bed and held her in my arms.
Feeling her breath against me, sensing her heart beating, watching her eyelids open and close as she blinked, everything reassured me, she was still here, she was still alive, she was still mine.
In a soft voice, she asked me, “Aren’t you mad at me, Elijah?”
I stroked her hair, and my gaze wandered to a point in the room.
I thought, am I mad at her for succumbing to her own demons? No, fuck no.
Did I resent her for thinking about abandoning me?Maybe.
But then if she had left, I would have fucking joined her.
I hated how weak I was for her. She broke my heart trying to kill herself, but she would’ve killed me if she didn’t survive.
That’s the fucked up thing about our relationship; that toxic and twisted devotion I felt for her. She could do anything, and I would accept it as long as she still had those beautiful eyes open and that beautiful heart beating.
“Little Nightmare. I would’ve died if you hadn’t opened your eyes again.”
My hand rested on her hair, trembling from fear of hurting her. “I made you a promise long ago. I’ll always be here, even when you don’t want me anymore. I’ll get rid of whatever hurts you in your mind. Next time you feel like this, come to me, and let my arms hold you while my heart keeps yours warm. You’ll never feel alone to face this, never again.”
She nodded, tears filling her beautiful eyes, her voice like a murmur, so sweet and so fucking hurt, “I’m completely broken, Elijah. I don’t want you to drown in this darkness while trying to save me.”
Darkness.
How can you explain to the woman you love that her darkness felt like light, that her shadows were magnificent, that I understood the violence and desperate poetry in her pain.
How can I explain that her darkness was safe with me because she completed me. That this obscurity felt like the finest wine flooding down my throat everytime her lips touched me, that her demons were a part of mine now and I savored every ounce of it.
