Page 69 of Nemesync
But you’re all alone and hope is a trap.
I feel them coming back, crawling down my neck and disturbing my head.
You’re stupid thinking someone could feel anything but disdain for someone like you, someone broken and shattered.
The car slows to a stop in front of the familiar graveyard.
I walk toward where you’re resting,Luna.
Your headstone stands so brightly among a sea of others, and for a moment, I hesitate. The letters of your name are smooth under my fingertips, and I feel my heart break at every letter.
My soul is shattered again as I trace everything, every line and crevice, searching for answers beyond my grasp.
Guilt is a fucking monster that devours every ounce of emotion in me until all that remains is rage and the echoes of isolation.
Alone with them, no escape.
“I miss you,” the words escape in a shaky whisper from my mouth, and I pause.
Fuck, I’m so messed up.
Remorse settles so heavy in my chest; it may drown me in my own ocean of tears. People move along, and I’m just here, not able to do the same, I’m stuck in this grief and feel like I will never find a way to get out of it. Every new experience, every small joy, everything brings me back here. Everything brings me back to you.
But you’re not here. And I still am. Fucking alone.
Maybe I don’t want to be alone?
Maybe I just can’t be alone anymore.
“Why should I fucking survive and feel again when you didn’t have the same chance? Do I even have the right to do that?” A small tear runs down my cheek.“Tonight, I… I did something. Something so fucking wrong. Someone is dead again because of me. Because I thought I could feel again, because I needed tofeel. Because I needed to feelhim.”
I can’t even articulate it properly. It’s a blur of feelings and impulses, it’s like an attempt to prove to me that I could still heal. “Elijah, he’s— he’s making my dead heart beat again, and it’s just amplifying the guilt. It’s complicated, Luna, and Iwish you were here to help me untangle this mess. You would probably think that I’m stupid for hoping that somehow, he could be the medication I needed.”
I’m ridiculous. “You know me, I always loved hurting myself, nothing new about that. I still choose pain over loneliness,always.”
My eyes find the sky again and I lose myself in its darkness.
I see others moving forward, experiencing life’s highs and lows, while I’m stuck in this cycle. I hate myself for feeling this way, for daring and trying to find life in someone else.
It’s a betrayal, I promised Luna no one will ever replace her and yet I’m searching for this kind of support to move on.
“Do you hate me for that?” I ask to the sky, as if she was there, listening to me. “I wish you were fucking here… I hate you for abandoning me too.” A laugh escapes me, I feel so stupid. “I’m going insane, Luna. I’m confessing everything to the night, as if you might hear me. I’m so stupid to come here waiting for something—an answer, like you could just come back to me and tell me that it was a mistake, and you didn’t want to leave this soon. But I know you’re not going to do so, you’re dead, you killed me too that night, and I’m talking to a fucking rock!”
I’m so alone, it’s not even painful anymore, it’s just foolish.
But I still continue to talk to her, “At least I have the Devil with me. He’s a complication I never expected. I thought I had closed off that part of myself long ago—the capacity to feel attraction, to feelanything. It’s weird, Luna, as if life is mocking me. He’s evil, fucking Lucifer, but my demons shut up when I’m with him. I don’t feel stained in his hands, you know?”
I take a big breath and look at the sky one last time, trying to see what star is the brightest and imagine her face.
It’s raining.
And I hope my tears will blend with this rain.
I would feel less absurd crying here all alone.
“I’ll probably get sick; I’m going to head back home. I hope you’ll forgive me for feeling these new emotions. Goodbye Luna. Forgive me for trying to survive as best I can. I hope you’re not waiting for me in the stars; I may be late.”
I get up from the ground and murmur a last thing; “I love you” before seeking refuge in my car.
