Page 133 of Eternal
His fingers move, creeping up, searching for anything… I jerk my leg away, barely thinking, my breath soft. He stills, then the slap comes, sharp and fast across my thigh, burning through the blanket. My throat tightens, but I don’t make a sound.
Don’t give him that.
The cuts I did last night are still between my legs, he knows they’re there, he likes it.
He exhales, long and slow, like I’m exhausting. “You always make shit so difficult.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting. For more. Forworse.
He sighs, rubbing a hand on my chest. “Remember it’s God’s will?”
I nod, once,tired.
He chuckles. “That’s my girl.”
He’s on top of me, I can feel him but I’m too high to care now.
It’s just my body.
He’s only abusing a body.
My mind is already gone, I’m on a cloud, and nothing brings me back down, not when I feel him between my legs, not when my head hits the wall every time he pushes inside me.
I’m not here anymore, the same cross is still dangling down my neck.
Then he’s up, swaying toward the door, the floor creaking under his weight. The second it clicks shut, I move, shoving my hand under the pillow, fingers closing around the little almost empty baggie, I tear it open, shaking, scattering powder over my hand.
Enough to make it foggier.
Enough to not be here.
Maybe enough to kill me.
I sniff hard, feeling the burn, the numbness crawling in, then I grab the bottle from under my bed, taking a long, desperate gulp, I don’t even like the taste.
But I like forgetting, it’s less real then.
36
AZRA
“Street Spirit” by Radiohead
Present
Iwent back in again.
After another week of resting, if I could even call it that, with Kat forcing me to talk about whatever she thinks Damir and I have,nothing, for instance, and Viktor threatening him through me, with someI’ll kill him if he hurts youlike I wouldn’t do it myself.
I was back in the routine.
Morning training, daytime killing, evening meals.
The cycle repeats. Again, and Again.
Days bleed into each other, weeks disappear just by blinking.
I wake up before sunrise, stretch out the stiffness, run drills until my lungs burn. Damir and I handle our assignments, visiting those who owe the Bratva, cleaning up those who can’t pay, taking fingers from those who need a warning.
