Page 153 of Eternal
Her body stiffened. She ripped the flower from her hair, crushed it in her fist, and her breath turned sharp, ragged.
Then…
Slap.
My head snapped to the side.
“Get away from me!” she screamed.
I didn’t understand, the words didn’t make sense, the pain did, though, the heat spread across my cheek, the way my ears rang.
She gasped, a real gasp, like she had woken up from a bad dream. My mom was in a real nightmare. I thought she loved daydreaming too.
Her hands flew to her mouth. “Oh, baby…”
I didn’t cry, my lip wobbled, but I didn’t cry.
Instead, I hugged her, wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed my face into her chest. “It’s okay, Mama,” I whispered.
She was shaking. She held me too tight, and I felt something wet drip onto my hair. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept saying, rocking me back and forth.
The funny-smelling cup was still on the table, some of it had spilled on the floor and on her dress.
She cried harder, and I closed my eyes. I didn’t understand why she was sad, but I knew I loved her.
Maybe old people hurt people when they’re tired.
So I hugged her harder.
40
AZRA
“I Want None Of This” by Radiohead
Present
People lie.
They lie when things get hard to admit, they lie when they feel like it’s needed to keep their world calm. And they lie about themselves. To keep their images clean, to keep their lies buried away.
And I know what I need to do.
I’m all a lie myself. The personality I have, the things I love, the person I am.
I read her journal yesterday. A new page, a new fear.
My mother lied about her state, she lied about her mental health, she lied about what scared her. She became what she never wanted me to witness. A mess. A hurt woman. A hurt mother. A violent one.
Back then, I never hated her for that, never hated her for making the last years we had together as a family chaotic.
I didn’t understand everything when I was a kid.
Didn’t understand why she was always on alert, why she stopped smiling, why she stopped going to work or taking care of us.
I didn’t even understand why she kept me from going to school like she wanted me in that house forever. Where she never gave back the love I gave.
I didn’t understand why Alexei would always be somewhere else with Eren but I understand now. I was too damaged, he didn’t want his son to feel this way because of his own mother like I did. He thought maybe he was worth saving.
