Page 191 of Eternal
A soft chuckle slipped out. “Oleg and Yuri would probably tease him about it. He never liked cold weather…. Probably would’ve told him to shut up and pour shots over the graves anyway.”
I paused. So silent… Not even birds tonight. “I don’t know why I still come here,” I said. “You don’t answer. None of you ever do.”
I looked down at the grass, patchy and frozen, then back at the row of stones in front of me.
“Damir.You knew me when I was Damir.”
I stare at the picture like it might speak, and it does in a way.
“Yuri. Oleg. Roman. Vlad. Damir.”
I say our names out loud, slowly. Like a roll call, like I’m trying to remind myself of something before it disappears.
“I loved you all.” Silence. “I failed.” Silence still.
A long breath slips out of my chest. It’s exhausting… feeling like this. For a long time, I was sure something in me was broken beyond repair, like whatever let people care, feel, hope… that part of me was gone. Burned out or torn away, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was always there, just buried too deep to reach.
“I used to think love made people worth something.” I scoff quietly. “But loving you guys made me weak. Made me want to protect, to hesitate, and that’s what gets people killed.”
I look down at the dirt, and take the first shot. It burns. Second. Third, Fourth. I hold onto the last one.
Not for them, not for what we lost. But for someone I never really knew and probably never will. Someone who didn’t flinch when he was with you, who didn’t have to hide.
“You guys were the good ones. You believed in shit like peace and hope. I thought you were naive, turns out you were right.”
My voice cracks on that, not enough to cry. I'm long past that, just enough for silence to answer.
“After you all died, I stopped trying. Stopped feeling, deciding caring makes you stupid.” I look at the picture again. “Because no one tells you that love turns to grief. And grief…” I pause. “Grief eats you alive.”
I rub my eyes but no tears come out.
I would’ve died for all of you, but you died before giving me the chance to prove it. I think I was better when I didn’t care, empty, sure. But at least I didn’t feel like this.
I look down at the empty glasses now. You care, you love, you protect, and when it ends, you’re the only one left to remember the names.
I fold the photo gently, slip it into the inside of my jacket. Then just sit there, still breathing, but only because I haven’t figured out how to stop yet.
“Thank you for teaching me that love was just another version of grief waiting to happen.” A long exhale follows. “I’m still here, Vlad. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing.” I stood slowly, knees stiff. “But I figured someone should remember you the way you were. Before the blood, before we got so far in, we forgot what we were doing it for, to stop being hungry, to stop being sad. We did all of this to be alive and free, guess we should’ve stayed in that damn house.”
A smile blooms on my face, but it’s stupid, lonely, and hopeless. I know it.
“Alright. I’ll see you again. Maybe.”
Damir.I wish he would’ve been happier.Damir.This young boy.Me. I really do wish for it.
55
DAMIR
“I Can’t Go on Without You” by KALEO
Present
Pain.
It comes first, a burning wound at the side of my head. Warmth trickles down my temple, sticky against my skin. My blood. I don’t have my mask on anymore. Then, I feel my body sitting on a chair, pulled down.Restrained. And I open my eyes.
The penthouse ceiling.
