Page 198 of Eternal
“Are you mad at me?”
Her eyes stay closed for a second too long, then she sighs, deep. “What? No, baby.Never.”
“But you look like it when you think I’m not looking.”
“That’s not your fault,habibti.”
“But it feels like it.”
She doesn’t say anything.
“Do you lie to Alexei like you lie to me?”
She blinks. “Who told you that?”
“No one.” I play with the string on my pajama pants. “I just… I think lying makes people leave.”
She looks tired, like the words hurt more than she thought they would. “Sometimes,” she says. “Sometimes not lying is worse.”
I stare at the wall and I think about what she said. I think about how Alexei kissed her on the forehead before he left while she begged him to stay. How he took my brother with him,not me. How he told me, “Take care of her. You’re strong,baby.”
I’m seven. I shouldn’t be strong. But I didn’t cry, not then, not even when I watched the car go, not when I had to hug mom until she stopped screaming and sobbing.
Maybe Ishouldbe stronger.
I curl tighter into Mama’s side. She’s still humming now, like she forgot the words to the song, but not the sound.
People you’ve been before…
“I think love is like lying too, mama,” I say. Her fingers stop again. “Because it hurts when it’s gone. And you never really know when it’s gone. People just start lying more.”
She doesn’t say anything. I think she’s crying, but I don’t look up.
58
AZRA
“Black Out Days” by Phantogram
Present
People lie more when they want to leave.
I’m confused.Lost. Not knowing what to do with everything that’s resurfacing.
I sit on the cold floor of my ruined apartment, my arms wrapped around my knees, my breath still uneven from the screams that have already died in my throat.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Press my fingers against my ears, just like I used to do years ago, when everyone left, when I felt what abandonment does to a heart.
I hear it, the rage, the screams inside my head.
You’re fucked. Stop hoping that something will change. Stop hoping that you have a chance to live.
Go away. Go away. Go away.
I can’t breathe, I can’t think. My hands are shaking as I look around at the wreckage, everything’s broken, everything’sin pieces. My heart has splintered it all, the chair, the vase, the glass… I’ve shattered everything I could reach because that's the only way to deal with it.
I fucking hate this, I hate how it feels like I’m drowning in everything I've built up for years, no feelings, no stupid hope. Because people lie, and people leave.
