Page 20 of Eternal
They kept saying she was dangerous.Good.So am I.
You can run, but I’ll catch you.
The officer’s voice fades into the background as my mind shifts gears, plotting and strategizing. Like it always does, the hunt is on.
I’ll take some vacation after this one. I can tell it won’t be as easy as it seems.
6
AZRA
“Forever” by Labrinth
Past
Let it all out. All. Out.
A vodka bottle thuds onto the mattress beside me as I stare out the tiny window, watching the world still turning behind the glass.
While I’m inside, not thinking at all, wanting to die… I’ll probably try again. Last time, I used pills I got from one of the dealers who sells them to kids in high school. He said they were strong enough to kill, he probably didn’t know they were for me, that I hoped it would actually work and kill me.
But instead of dying quietly, I woke up crying silently, him on top of me, burning me with his cigarette.
“You can’t die right now,” he said. “Wake up. I need more fun.”
I wish I could.Dieright now.
I really miss the stars.
I never stopped drawing them on the ceiling, with a pen. They’re not really visible from afar, but it was like him and Brittany knew they were there, they just didn’t want to take them away.
They wanted me to remember that I was only allowed to see them like this and dream.
Twisted sadism, hatred, control. I don’t really know. But they let me have this.
So I keep drawing them there and try to focus on them when I can’t think straight.
I prayed for God to help, I begged, cried, sobbed and on my way home after school the next day I saw a small iris on the street growing up among other flowers. I saw it and I cried more because I thought it would end.
Like God had replied.
Like it was a sign that things would change. But then, that day, he said he’s coming tonight.
With friends.
Maybe they won’t talk to me.
Maybe they will, maybe they’ll laugh and ask if I’m ready. Maybe they’ll press the pills into my palm, pour the poison into my mouth, until nothing makes sense again. Until I forget I’m sixteen. Until I forget I’m even human.
I never knew you could be this tired at sixteen.
Not just tired, empty.
Like there’s nothing left but skin and the sound of my own breathing.
It used to confuse me, the way my mom would drink until her body stopped moving, until she forgot her name. I understand now. I’m drinking for the same reason.
Because remembering hurts more.
