Page 202 of Eternal
“I know,” he whispers against my lips. “It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. But I’m still here.”
And I don’t know whether to let him go, or to let him ruin me completely.
I feel like I’m going to collapse, I don’t know if it’s from the fight or the rage or the exhaustion clawing at my bones, but my legs tremble beneath me.
My body hurts, my mind hurts.
Everything is ruined.
Everything isalwaysruined.
And he’s still here.
Bleeding, breathing, looking at me like I’m something worth staying for.
“I can’t,” I whisper. My fingers untangle from his shirt, my arms falling limp at my sides. “I’m tired.”
He exhales, pressing his forehead against mine, his body sags, but his grip on me doesn’t loosen. “I know.”
“No, you don’t.” I push at his chest, but there’s no force behind it. “It’s always the same. I let someone in, and they—” My throat closes up. “You’re all fucking liars.”
“Hey.” His voice is raw, bleeding just like him. “You stabbed me, Azra. You left me there. You wanted me dead.” I flinch. “And yet I’m still fucking here.”
My breath shudders out of me. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” His fingers trail up my arm, slow, deliberate, and it burns. “I was supposed to kill you. I was supposed to be the one who put an end to this. But all I did was—” He stops, his jaw tightening, like he doesn’t want to say it. “I was supposed to kill you.” His voice is rough, almost guttural. “That’s what I came here for, Azra. That’s what they told me to do. But all I fucking did waswantyou.”
The words slam into me like a fist, and I shake my head, stumbling back, trying to make sense of it, trying to find the lie, because there has to be one.
“No.” I whisper it, then louder. “No, no, no, no. You’re lying. Men lie. They always lie. You just want to hurt me. That’s all you do, that’s all you fucking do!”
They all lie. They all fucking lie.
He grabs my face, fingers digging into my jaw. “I should be dead right now.” His voice is rough, unsteady, like he’s barely holding himself together. “You should have killed me. You wanted to. So do it. Fucking do it.”
Like saying it would make it real.
I step back, but he follows. I back into the wall, and he’s still there, still caging me in. His body is weak, but his hands are steady.
“I hate you,” I whisper.
“I know,Azra.”
“Ishouldhate you.”
His lips find mine again before he murmurs, pathetically, “I’d let you.”
I press my hands against his chest again, but this time I don’t push. I just feel him, his warmth, his heartbeat beneath my palms, the blood stained his skin, the proof that I almost ended him.
Because that’s all I can do, because that’s all I deserve.
“I don’t know how to stop,” I admit. “Hating you. Wanting you. I don’t know how to fucking stop.”
His hands move to my face, cradling it gently, like I’m something fragile. Like I haven’t torn him apart already. “Then don’t.”
I shake my head. “This is wrong.” I close my eyes, and feel the weight of everything pressing down on me, the betrayal, the aching want, the years of exhaustion settling deep into my bones.
And then I do the only thing I can do, I pull him closer, and let him ruin me all over again.
