Page 21 of Eternal
I put on the thing he left on the bed for me, short, cheap fabric, tight where it shouldn’t be. It smells like sweat and oldcigarettes, my fingers tremble, but I do it. I need to do it, because I have nothing left to fight for, nothing left to wish for.
Brittany walks in, eyes glassy, she looks me up and down, nodding, like she’s checking inventory. “You know he likes it that way,” she mutters, then adds, “Wait for him downstairs when you’re ready.”
What if I’m never ready? What if I never was ready to begin with?
My stomach drops, I try to speak, I want to tell her I don’t want to go. That I remember what’s downstairs, the small, stained bed, the dirt, the smell, the fucking silence.
I want to scream. I want to cry until someone finally sees me. Until I choke on every wound I swallowed just to stay alive, but nothing comes out, only silence. Because fear built a home in my throat, and I think… I think I forgot how to be heard.
When I get there, the lights are already dim. I hear their voices before I see them.
Laughter. Bottles.Footsteps.
He smiles when he sees me, wide, disgusting, and pushes me onto the bed like I’m nothing. My hands are tied before I even think to resist, the cuffs bite into my wrists, the mattress is cold and sticky.
I cry, quietly.
Not the kind of crying that begs for help, the kind that already knows it won’t come.
I think of Alexei, the way he was before he vanished. I think of how he used to tuck me in, how my little brother smiled with missing teeth and sticky fingers. I think about how far I’ve fallen from that little girl.
And then everything blurs, because he makes me take the meth.
The moment it hits, I know why they use it.
It steals the fight from you, it makes you quiet while they use you.
Makes you forget that you were ever something more. And that’s what I am now.
Something less, something ruined.
And then I close my eyes, hoping they won’t ever open again.
7
AZRA
“You Get Me So High” by The Neighbourhood
Present
Another headache’s coming, I can feel it starting, crawling down my temples.
I should sleep, but sleep doesn’t do much these days
I walk through the Bratva mansion, and all I can think about is seeing Vik and Kat again. I’ve been alone for three months, but nothing has changed here. I landed a few hours ago and just had the time to take a shower and change into something else. I tried to look put together because tonight they organized a dinner. And being here always makes me anxious, not because I’m scared. I think being really lonely for years just made it easier this way.
When it gets too crowded, too loud, I slip into my head, and my mind isn’t the kindest place to escape to.
When I started this whole thing, it felt like I was going to die. I always had this feeling like I wasn’t going to succeed, the training, the mission I set up for myself.
But all it took was a re-read of my mother’s journal to motivate me, to remember how they stole her light before she even had the time to love me back.
I think about her thoughts often, and I know it’s hurting me more than it should, it’s been so long, but I can’t stop now. I owe them that closure, I owemyselfthis closure.
It would’ve been a lie to say I didn’t miss this place. When I came back after my training, I settled not too far from here in an apartment Viktor chose and Katarina decorated.
They wanted to make it fancy but I really wanted something smaller.
