Page 211 of Eternal
AZRA
“How To Disappear Completely” by Radiohead
Past
Pills, pills, pills again.
I need them all, I needout.
I’ve been waiting for him to come tonight, but he never did.
Maybe tonight I’ll sleep without being scared, maybe I’ll be fine, maybe I’ll be…
The pills slide down my throat, one by one.
Dry, chalky, and heavy.
Please give me numb. Please. Please, please, please give me numb.
I strip off my clothes, step into the shower, the water is too hot, but I don’t care. I need to feel something, or nothing, I don’t know.
I sway, grab the wall, dizzy, and the heat makes it worse.
How does this end?
I think about that a lot, if I die, does he stop?
If I die, does it mean he wins? Does this mean I’ll be happier up there?
I don’t know, I never know what to do.
I look down at my legs, the old scars, the new ones, the ones in between. I hum one of my mother’s favorite songs under my breath.
She had a pretty voice, once.
Before alcohol and tears stole it from her.
“I’m not here… this isn’t happening.”
I press the blade to my skin.
One. Two. Three.
The pain spreads, hot and sharp, blood runs in thin red lines down my thighs, swirling into the water, turning it pink and I exhale, the blood always makes me feel clean.
And then the door opens, I freeze.
No. Not him. Please.
“You’re here. I missed you, little one.”
His voice is thick, like sickness.
I don’t turn around, I don’t want to see him. I’m naked, I’m fifteen, he shouldn't be here, but he is.
I can hear him stepping closer, heavy boots against tiles, the smell of cigarettes and sweat and insecurity…
“Oh, is that blood? You on your period or what?”
