Page 224 of Eternal
She dropped down beside me, her small hands shaking. Her voice broke completely. I had to really focus on the sound to understand what she meant…“I’m so sorry. My baby…what did I do? I didn’t mean to…I didn’t…”
She kissed my head, over and over. I could smell the alcohol; it made me dizzy.
“You’re all I have,” she cried. “You and your brother, you’re all I care about. But I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, and I keep messing everything up.” She sobbed. “I just… I keep seeing things, hearing things. I can’t sleep, I can’tbreathe, and I’m ruining everything.”
Then she stoodfast. Grabbed her keys from the hook near the door. “I have to go.”
Go? Go where?No!!
“No!” I cried, scrambling up. My knees are still hurting. “Mama, please!”
“I can’t stay! I’ll hurt you again! I’m going to ruin you!”
Ruin? Is that why my heart hurts seeing her like that? Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore, but that’s okay, it’s okay.
“You won’t! You didn’t mean it!” I ran and wrapped my arms around her legs, crying so hard my chest hurt like when she slaps my face when she’s sick because of the same pills and bottles.“Please don’t go. Don’t leave me, I’ll be good, I’ll be better. Just don’t go.”
She stopped, she didn’t move.
“I love you,” I sobbed. “Even when you’re sad, even when you yell. Please stay.Please…”
Please. Please. Please.
I miss you.
I miss my real mom.
Her hand touched my hair softly, like she remembered.
Alexei stood at the hallway’s end, holding my brother, quiet as a statue. His eyes were red too, but he didn’t say a word.
“Look, Eren isn’t crying anymore, please, mama stay!”
The tears are burning my eyes, they burn, they hurt. And Mama… She just stood there.
She looked behind me and saw Alexei taking Eren upstairs.
And I didn’t know if she was going to stay, or if this was the last time I’d ever hold her. “I’ll be better…I’ll be good…. I promise! Please don’t hate me, mama…”
Please stay. Please stay. Please stay.
She didn’t talk; she just stood there.
Then she looked at me, like she remembered who I was, but then her knees gave up, like they got tired too. She dropped the keys, took my hand, and slowly walked to the couch.
She lay down with her head on my lap, her body felt heavy, like she was full of tears.
She used to be pretty, but now her face looks tired all the time.
I didn’t say anything about the blood on my arm, or the bottle, or the pills.
I just ran my fingers through her hair.
“Let’s sing together,” I whispered.
She closed her eyes and hummed with me.
“You’re the iris of my world… my only flower…”
