Page 225 of Eternal
Her voice cracked halfway through, but I kept humming. I remembered the rest.
“I’m the iris of your world…”
She didn’t finish our song, her breathing slowed, and her hand dropped off my knee. She fell asleep, and I looked at the bottles still open, the pills out.
Then I looked outside.
The garden was quiet too; the irises were dead, brown, and dry, curling on themselves.
She used to smile when she looked at them.
Now she doesn't smile much at all.
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
Why am I sad? Because my mama hates me? Because I’m not a good kid and I make her tired?
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whispered to her, even if she was already dreaming. “Even if you don’t love me back… I’ll still stay.”
And I didn’t sleep that night, I just counted her breaths.One… two… three…
Because if she stopped, I don’t think I’d know how to start again, and I needed to stay awake.
65
AZRA
“Everything In Its Right Place” by Radiohead
Present
The steward offered a drink, and I didn’t ask what it was, I just nodded.
It stung my throat, just like hers did.
I told myself I didn’t care when I grew up, that it made us almost similar in way. If I was in her shoes maybe I’d understand her, I’d understand why she left even before her death.
My mother sits heavy in my mind lately.
Maybe because even if she probably hated me the last years of her life, she loved me enough to let me fight for her justice.
Maybe that’s why I can’t let go of this whole mess.
But when I looked out the window and saw nothing but gray, I remembered the dead irises in our garden.
There’s no hope in misery, no hope in aching for something that isn’t going to save a dead heart.
So, I kept drinking.
One, then another.
How long has it been since I drank like this? Since I let it burn and blur and smudge everything out?So long.
I thought I healed, I truly believed it, and all it took was for my soul to touch another, and suddenly forgetting became a need… because remembering hurt.
Is it okay if I show up in Vesper drunk?
I honestly don't even know where I’m sleeping tonight, Vik said the Don arranged a car for me for my arrival, so I’ll probably stay at one of the Zennites' hotels in the city.
