Page 226 of Eternal
God, I’m so fucked.
So fucked I can’t even pretend I’m different from her anymore. This was her way to forget, to feel less, to shut it off.
I swore I’d never be like that anymore. I promised myself I’d be better. I promised my little me that I’d protect her. Can she see me right now from inside my head? Is she disappointed?
I hope she understands why we became like this.
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking the same exact way?
The jet is quiet and I like this silence. My phone was on airplane mode, but I’d seen their names flash before takeoff.
Vik. Kat. Both of them are texting too much.
Kat
Call when you land, Visha.
Vik
I heard it was raining these days, but the beach is too pretty there. You should see it, Kroshka.
Vik
Are you okay?
No. I wasn’t, but there’s no signal up here to say it. Too bad.
I pulled out the folder instead, names, a story, a lead to something, kids are being sold away, women are being used, trafficked, everywhere, but this, this is under our noses.
My hand trembled a little as I flipped through the pages.
I wasn’t sure if it was the plane or the drinks.
Probably both.
I downed another, and another.
The ceiling spun a little when I tilted my head back, and after a few re-readings of the same names on the journal and files, I closed my eyes.
But it came anyway.
Her voice. Her eyes. That song she used to hum in the kitchen when she wasn’t falling apart.
“You’re the iris of my world…”
Was I ever really her iris, or just a lie she told me before showing me even mothers could hurt? Shesmiledwhen she said it.
I really thought love looked like that, I believed it.
Even when she screamed, even when she shook, even when she forgot to feed us, even when she cried.
I know, deep down, I still believe it, I thoughtlovejust hurt sometimes.
And maybe… maybe it wasn’t that bad.
Because it was prettier than the pain that came after, that coldness, that silence, thathouse, those hands that didn’t even pretend to love me made her hurt almost gentle.
At least she cried after hurting me.
