Page 230 of Eternal
Kat’s voice screamed a loud “Love you!” into the phone before I hung up. I set the phone down and leaned back into the couch, my mind spinning.
The penthouse felt suffocating now, I feel so alone, so fucking alone.
I went to the kitchen and found a fridge stocked with champagne and wine.
I reached for the wine bottle, hands trembling, just a little as I poured myself another glass, it didn’t even taste like it this time.
And then it hit me, like a punch I didn’t see coming.
I’m still thinking about him.
Damir.
God. How stupid is that?
After everything, after all the lying and hiding and pretending, I still wanted him to be here tonight, to hold me, and tell me I was okay, to run his fingers through my hair like he used to and make it all feel a little less painful.
I missed him, not because I forgave him, but because I was used to him. That’s what hurts the most, the fucking familiarity. He made me used to being cared for. His dumb little smirks, his soft looks when he thought I wasn’t watching, the way he always checked in even when I didn’t ask. He made me think it meant something.
And maybe it did, but clearly not enough.
It was his mission, just like mine is to burn down every single name tied to that night.
So I get it, a mission is a mission. But… the way he made it feel real…Ifelt real. And it was all just... nothing to him.
All the parts of me I handed over, all the ugly honest things I showed him…just fucking meaningless.
The way he talked to me, the tenderness in the way he just let me be here for him.Everything.
I squeezed my eyes shut, leaning my head back against the couch. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” I whispered, the words coming out in a rush.
I wanted to scream, throw something, break everything. But I didn’t, I just sat there.
Drunk. Angry. Empty.
The cycle again… Just like her, I want to leave. Just like her I want to cry. Just like her, I want to disappear.
The laughter came out of me then, sharp and bitter, it was a laugh that didn’t feel like it belonged to me.
The whole thing felt like a joke, but it wasn’t funny, not at all.
I pressed my palm to my face, feeling the tears threaten, but I pushed them away.
No. I’m here for a mission. I’m just giving myself a break, alone, in a new city, just for the night, I’ll let myself fall again.
I picked up the wine again, sipping it more for the numbness than the taste.
And before I knew it, I was drifting into the darkness.
66
AZRA
“Mojo Pin” by Jeff Buckley
Present
Iwoke up feeling like death.
