Page 237 of Eternal
Lev’s always too comfortable, too talkative. “Oh yeah,” he said, like it was nothing. “The Lebanese and Zennites have that monthly gala tonight. Some alliance peacekeeping PR bullshit, with fancy drinks, tighter security, not open to everyone, though.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You tryna go?” he added.
“Okay, thanks.”
I hung up.
She’ll be there, and maybe she won’t see me, but I’ll see her.
And that’s enough, for now.
So yeah, I missed the meeting. The first time in my entire life I’ve ever fucked up a mission this badly.
And I don’t even care.
I just needed to be where she was, even if she wants nothing to do with me, even if she acts like I’m nothing but a ghost in her rearview.
She thinks I’d leave. Like I was just a moment, just a mistake, like I didn’t bury a lifetime of orders for her, like I didn’t tear a hole in everything I was built to be just to see her one more time.
She doesn’t get to forget me, not after this, not after turning me into something I don’t recognize when I look in the mirror.
Because it’s too late now. Too late for either of us to pretend this is just a clean break. She made this mess. She made me into someone who wants her.
Now she gets to live with it.
She was my mission, and I became hers, and she’s going to learn that I don’t let go.
I changed quickly, black suit, nothing flashy.
Put a fresh bandage under the shirt, masked the limp in my stride. I fixed my tie three times in the mirror and didn’t recognize the man who looked back.
The agency will come for me, they’ll send someone, and maybe they already have. But I don’t care.
I don’t know if I hate her or if I’m just addicted to her. I don’t know if I want to see her again or erase the memory of her from every cell in my body.
But she doesn’t get to walk away like she didn’t do this to me, like she didn’t wake something up and leave it bleeding. I want her to see what she made.
A man who disobeyed, a man who stayed, a man who became hers, without even meaning to.
And she’s going to learn that I don’t let go, not without a fight.
68
AZRA
“Spitting Off The Edge Of The World” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Perfume Genius
Present
Ireally want to train today.
It’s 6 AM, the headache is gone, but the need is still here, just like I fought that need when training before, I have to do it all over again.
Train until the mind silences the body.
Exhaust it to the point of no return.
